Festival Jokes

What is your favourite type of birthday present?
→ Another present!

It was Grandpa Jones' 100th birthday and he was still in perfect health. At his birthday party he was asked how he managed to live so long and stay so fit.

He explained "I put my long life down to spending so much time out of doors. I've been in the open air, day after day, rain or shine, for the last 75th years."

"How do you manage to keep up such a rigorous fitness regime?" we asked.

"It's simple" he said. "When I married my wife 75 years ago, we both made solemn pledge on our wedding night. We agreed that whenever we ever had a fight, whoever was proved wrong would go outside and take long walk."

Joe was sitting at a bar. He was totally depressed. The bartender, serving him a drink, asked what was wrong.

"I'll never understand women" said Joe. "The other night on my birthday, my wife said as my gift, I could do with her what I wanted."

"Wow! That's quite some gift" said the bartender. "So why are you so dejected?"

"Well I thought about it for a while" said Joe, "and decided to send her home to her mother, and now she won't even speak to me!"

"Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade."

"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"

A St. Louis mother telephoned the capital building over in Jefferson City and asked to speak to the game warden. After being switched from office to office, a voice finally said, "Hello." "Are you the game warden?" she asked.

"Yes."

"Finally Ah've got the right person!" she said. "Could yaw'l gimme some help with my son's birthday party?"

- Why didn't you give me anything for my birthday?

- You told me to surprise you.

A man who forgets his wife's birthday is certain to get something to remember her by.

- Do you like the dictionary I bought you for your birthday?

- Sure. It's a great present but I just can't find the words to thank you enough.

- I was going to buy you a handkerchief for your birthday.

- That was a kind thought. But why didn't you?

- I couldn't find one big enough for your nose.