Elderly Jokes

For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.

Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.."

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a coke."

An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

- Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.

- Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.

- Patient: OH NO! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???

- Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

• Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
• Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
• Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
• Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
• Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
• Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
• Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
• Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
• Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
• Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
• Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
• Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
• Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
• Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
• Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
• Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
• Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
• Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
• Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
• Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
• Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
• Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
• Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
• Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
• Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
• Old investors never die, they just roll over.
• Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
• Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
• Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
• Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
• Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
• Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
• Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
• Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...
• Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
• Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
• Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
• Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.
• Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
• Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.
• Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
• Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
• Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
• Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....
• Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
• Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
• Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
• Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
• Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
• Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
• Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
• Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
• Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.
• Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.
• Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.
• Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
• Old students never die, they just get degraded.
• Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
• Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
• Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
• Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
• Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

• Personally, I think that people who say they wish they had their lives to live over again, probably shouldn't anyway.
• Wonder why it is that people who can make fools out of themselves are such excellent craftsmen.
• People who say they've learned from their mistakes should have studied more for the test in the first place.
• As I reflect upon on my past, the thing I regret the most... is its length.
• The way some people find fault with every damn thing in life, you'd think there was a reward.
• Even as I age, I still consider myself a "go-getter"... of course now, I have to make two trips.
• Trust me, when humans were created, I believe there was a very good reason why the body was configured so that ya cannot pat yourself on the back.

An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and his older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life.

The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours.

Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven. I smell your grandmother's strudel." "No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now." "I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a sliver?" the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.

One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed. "Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man plaintively queries?

"I'm very sorry, grandfather, she says you can't have any, it's for the funeral!"

What are seniors worth anyway? They are worth a fortune, with all the silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys and lead in their feet.

Well I have become a little older since I saw you last and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. I immediately go to see John.

After that Charlie Horse comes along, and he really takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays for the rest of the day. However, he doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he just takes me from joint to joint. Finally after such a busy tiring day, I'm really glad to be able to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!!

P.S. The preacher came by the other day. He said at my age, I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him, 'Oh I do all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen or down in the basement, I ask myself...

"What am I here after?"

There was a little old man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror and was admiring his body when he noticed that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis. He decided to do something about it. So he went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand except for his penis.

Just then two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this "thing" sticking out of the sand, she began to move it about with her cane. She remarked to the other little old lady, "There ain't hardly no justice in this world."

The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?"

"Well," the first lady said, "When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat!"

An elderly couple were driving across the country.

The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

At 85 years of age, a somewhat senile Morris marries Luanne, a lovely 25-year-old.

Because her new husband is so old, Luanne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, Luanne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door.

Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of Luanne, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Luanne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Luanne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses Luanne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves. Luanne is set to go to sleep again.

However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again... Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.

As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, you have enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once. You're a great lover, Morris!"

Morris, looking somewhat befuddled, turns to Luanne and says...

"WHAT?... You mean I was here already?!"