Elderly Jokes

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

When I'm a little old lady, then I'll live with my children and bring them great joy.

To repay all I've had from each girl and boy I shall draw on the walls and scuff up the floor; run in and out without closing the door.

I'll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed. And whenever they scold me, I'll hang my head.

I'll run and I'll romp, always fritter away ..... the time to be spent doing chores every day.

I'll pester my children when they are on the phone. As long as they're busy I won't leave them alone.

Hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer ... and never pick up what I drop on the floor.

Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish. I'll plead for allowance whenever I wish.

I'll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor. As soon as they've mopped it, I'll flood it some more.

When they correct me, I'll lie down and cry, kicking and screaming, not a tear in my eye.

I'll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then .. when they buy new ones, I'll take them again.

I'll spill glasses of milk to complete every meal .... Eat my banana and just drop the peel.

Put toys on the table, spill jam on the floor. I'll break lots of dishes as though I were four.

What fun I shall have, what joy it will be to Live with my children....just the way that they lived with me!

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

In the dim and distant past
When life's tempo wasn't so fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat and baby sit.

When the kids were in a jam,
They could always call on Gram.

But today she's in the gym
Exercising to keep slim.

She's checking the web or surfing the net,
Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.

Nothing seems to stop or block her,
Now that Grandma's off her rocker.

Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?"

A few minutes later, Timmy returned.

"Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?"

"She's fine, except that she's angry at you."

"At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?"

"She said 'It's none of your business how old she is,'" snickered Timmy.

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

I am a senior citizen...

• I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm.
• I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
• I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.
• I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...
• I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
• I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
• I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
• I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.
• I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
• I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
• I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians...
• I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.
• I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
• I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
• I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh...
• I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
• I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
• I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
• I'm in the initial state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP.
• I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
• I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
• I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the key to the storeroom.
• I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life... Aren't I?

Thought I'd let my doctor check me,
'Cause I didn't feel quite right. . .

All those aches and pains annoyed me
And I couldn't sleep at night.

He could find no real disorder
But he wouldn't let it rest.

What with Medicare and Blue Cross,
We would do a couple tests.

To the hospital he sent me
Though I didn't feel that bad.

He arranged for them to give me
Every test that could be had.

I was fluoroscoped and cystoscoped,
My aging frame displayed.

Stripped, on an ice cold table,
While my gizzards were x-rayed.

I was checked for worms and parasites,
For fungus and the crud,
While they pierced me with long needles
Taking samples of my blood.

Doctors came to check me over,
Probed and pushed and poked around,
And to make sure I was living
They then wired me for sound.

They have finally concluded,
Their results have filled a page.

What I have will someday kill me;
My affliction is old age.

There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.

My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.

I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.

When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?

Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?

I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I'll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart

How do I know that my youth is all spent?
Well, my get up and go has got up and went.

But in spite of it all I am able to grin
When I recall where my get up has been.

Old age is golden - so I've heard it said -
But sometimes I wonder when I get into bed,
With my ears in a drawer and my teeth in a cup,
My eyes on the table until I wake up.

Ere sleep dims my eyes I say to myself,
"Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?"
And I'm happy to say as I close my door,
My friends are the same, perhaps even more.

When I was young, my slippers were red,
I could pick up my heels right over my head.
When I grew older, my slippers were blue,
But still I could dance the whole night through.
But now I am old, my slippers are black,
I walk to the store and puff my way back.

The reason I know my youth is all spent,
My get up and go has got up and went.
But I really don't mind when I think, with a grin,
Of all the grand places my get up has been.

Since I have retired from life's competition,
I accommodate myself with complete repetition.
I get up each morning, and dust off my wits,
Pick up my paper and read the "obits".
If my name is missing, I know I'm not dead,
So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed