Elderly Jokes

- Your teeth are like the stars - he said,

As he pressed her hand, so white.
He spoke the truth, for, like the stars,
Her teeth came out at night!

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

- Holy cow, Mister, - one of them said after catching his breath.

- You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?

- Those fools! - the old man grumbled.

- They misspelled my name!

- How was your golf game, dear? - asked Jack's wife Tracy.

- Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad, I couldn't see where the ball went.

- You're seventy-five years old, Jack! - admonished his wife.

- Why don't you take my brother Scott along?

- But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore - protested Jack.

- Yes, but he's got perfect eyesight and can watch your ball for you - Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

- Did you see where it went? - asked Jack.

- Yup - Scott answered.

- Well, where is it? - yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

- I forgot.

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said:

- You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree.

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment:

- Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall.

A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.

His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before.

- Is that so? - the first said.

- Did he do a good job?

- Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot - he said.

- The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That, was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt. - he added.

What are you going to be when you get out of school?
→ An old man!

Two little boys were visiting their grandfather and he took them to a restaurant for lunch. They couldn't make up their minds about what they wanted to eat.
Finally the grandfather grinned at the server and said:

- Just bring them bread and water.

One of the little boys looked up and quavered:

- Can I have ketchup on it?

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked:

- How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?

The old man looked around and lowered his voice.

- I'll tell you, Rabbi - he whispered.

- When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105.

So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat.
Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the vestibule. When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on "The Ten Commandments." After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his had vigorously, and told him:

- I want to thank you preacher for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it.

- Preacher: You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal' changed your mind?

- Old Man: No, the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that I remember where I left my old hat!

God created the donkey & said to him:

- You will work unceasingly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence & you will live 50 years. You will be a donkey.

The donkey answered:

- I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is too much. Give me only 20 years.

God granted his wish.

God created the dog and said to him:

- You will be a dog. You will guard the house of man. You will be his best friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 25 years. You will be a dog.

The dog answered:

- Sir, to live 25 years is too much, you give me only 10 years.

God granted his wish.

God created the Monkey and said to him:

- You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. You will be a monkey.

The monkey answered:

- Sir, to live 20 years is too much, you give me only 10 years.

God granted his wish.

Finally God created the man and said to him:

- You will be a man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth. You will use your intelligence to become master over all animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years.

Man responded:

- Sir, I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused.

God granted his wish.

And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, he marries and spend 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back. Then when his children are gone, he lives 15 years like a dog, taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house, from one son or daughter to another, doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.