Random joke from this category
Man walks into the Doctors office. "I have the results of your test and I'm afraid your going to die," says the Doctor.
The Man asks, "How long do I have to live?"
"Ten," replies the Doctor.
"What the hell does that mean?" the Man asks. "Ten Years, Ten Months, Ten weeks, What?"
The Doctor replies, "Nine."
3 dudes die a lawyer, police man, and a doctor at the pearly gates. The police man walks up 2 saint peter and says "I have put criminals away and stopped many crimes like murder, can I get into heaven?"
- Saint Peter: um sorry we're sorta having a party so no
The doctor walks up 2 saint peter and says "I have saved many lives and helped people feel better, can I get into heaven?"
- Saint Peter: nope we're kinda busy right now
The lawyer walks up and says "I've sued many people, can I get into heaven?"
- Saint Peter: sure come on in! join the party!
The police man and the doctor walk up to saint peter and ask "why'd he get in and not us?"
- Saint Peter: we dont get many of his kind around here.
Middle of the night, middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the center of the road.
They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt.
It's impossible to assess blame for the accident on either however. They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer.
The lawyer calls the police on his car phone; they'll be there in 20 minutes.
It's cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink?" the doctor asked.
"AFTER the police get here," replies the lawyer.
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence.
They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."
A woman diagnosed as having a brain tumor was told by her doctor that she would need the transplant of a one-pound brain. The doctor then asked, "What type of brain do you want?"
"What type?" the woman asked.
"Yes," replied the doctor. "There is a substantial difference in price. For example, a one-pound brain of a surgeon costs $60,000, while you can get a one-pound brain of a nuclear physicist for $50,000, and so on."
"Can you give me a one-pound lawyer's brain? Ever since I was a little girl I've dreamed of being a trial attorney."
"That's $250,000," the doctor replied.
"Why so much?" the woman asked. "That's over four times what a surgeon's brain costs."
"Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to produce a pound of brain?" the doctor replied.
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
