Doctor Jokes

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...

I think there's yet another wee one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...

It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The Scot scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry.

The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor. After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he undid the diaper, he finds that the diaper is indeed full. "Here's the problem", the Dr. says. "He needs a change." The father is very perplexed, " But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs!"

Mom took little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.

Doc. said, how did such a thing happen? Johnny said, "It's that damn neighbor girl, Suzy. Her braces are too darned sharp."

I recently had surgery on my hand, and asked the doctor if, after surgery, I would be able to play the banjo. He said, "I'm doing surgery on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy."

Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room after his wife gives birth to their son. Michael says, "How long before we can have sex?"

The doctor says, "At least wait until he's walking."

A blonde walked into a doctor's office with a hole in her hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound, so would she please explain how it happened?

The blonde said, "Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide, so first I stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don't want to ruin it. So, I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don't want to ruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don't want to ruin them! So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is going to be loud!"

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.

The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.

"But. what happened to your other ear?"

"The son of a bitch called back."

"I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," replied his blonde patient, "I'll come back when you are sober."

A young woman said to her doctor,

- You have to help me, I hurt all over.

"What do you mean?" said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,

- Ow, that hurts.

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled,

- Ouch! That hurts, too.

Then she touched her right earlobe.

- Ow, even THAT hurts.

The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"
"Why yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor. "You have a sprained finger."

A young blonde girl goes to the doctor for a physical. The doctor puts his stethoscope up to the girl's chest and says, 'Big breaths...' The girl replies, 'Yeth and I'm not even thixteen.'