Dirty Jokes

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
→ Stick his bill up his ass!

What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
→ A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Why do men have a hole in their penis?
→ So oxygen can get to their brains.

How does a man take a bubble bath?
→ He eats beans for dinner.

What's the definition of a perfect woman?
a) Three feet tall with a round hole for a mouth and a flat head so that you can put a pint of beer on it.
b) The sports model has pullback ears and her teeth fold in.
c) The economy model fucks all night and, at midnight, turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.

One day, God went to find Adam and Eve in the garden, but found that Adam was sitting by himself.

- Where's Eve? - He asked.

- Well, - said Adam - She started to bleed. This happens every month or so.

- So where is she? - asked God.

- Well, she went down to the river to wash up. - replied Adam.

- Darn, - said God - Now I'll never get the smell out of the fish!

When God made man, he made him out of string.
He had a little left, so he left a little thing.

When God made woman, he made her out of lace.
He didn't have enough, so he left a little space.

I don't think the leading feminist realized what she was saying when she told a reporter, "As long as women are split like we are, men will remain on top."

They are:

- Her Doctor; he says - Take your clothes off.

- Her Dentist; he says - Open wide.

- Her Veterinarian; he says - And how is your little pussy doing today?

- Her Gardener; he says - Do you want me to mulch your bush?

- Her Hairdresser; he says - Do you want it teased or blown?

- Her Interior Decorator; he says - You'll like it once it's in.

- Her Hunter; he goes deep into the bush, shoots several times, and always eats what he shoots.

- Her Remodeler; he says - It fits tongue-in-groove with a little hammering.

- Her Milkman; he says - Do you want it in front or in back?

- Her Banker; he says - If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest.

An office manager was sent three secretaries, equally qualified, to fill one vacancy.

- Well, - thought the manager - I'll give them an honesty test to determine which secretary to keep.

To this end, he gave each secretary a money bag to take and bank telling them that there was $50 in the bag. (In fact, he had placed $100 in each bag; thus the honesty test.)

The first secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50 and returns the extra $50 to the manager.

The second secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks the full $100, and returns with a deposit slip as proof.

The third secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50, goes to the local TAB and uses the $50 to win $300, then returns, explains to the manager and gives him the all the money.

Which secretary does the manager select to retain????????
→ Well, DUH!... The one with the biggest breasts!