Dirty Jokes

My fiance still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.
→ A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
→ This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
→ Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
→ Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
→ Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at car-boot sales. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no time to talk.
→ Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
→ Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.

My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
→ Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

My husband has never given me an orgasm.
→ The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present ..and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

A guy's driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign saying "Apples - $5.00 each." He thinks that that is a lot of money so he decides to go see what's up.

He goes up to the farmer and says:

- Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each?

The farmer replies:

- They are peanut butter and jelly apples.

The farmer hands him one and says:

- Here, try one.

So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says:

- Peanut butter - that's great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly apples.

The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and exclaims:

- son of a gun - jelly!

The man says:

- These apples are great - give me some!

He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign "Apples - $10 each." Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says:

- Hey, what's up with these apples?

The farmer says:

- They're ham and cheese apples. Here, try one.

The guy takes a bit and exclaims:

- Son of a gun - ham!

The guy then says:

- Let me guess - I have to turn it around.

The farmer says:

- You got it.

The guy bites the other side and says:

- Cheese.

Again the man says:

- These apples are great - give me some.

Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon a third sign that says "Apples - $50 each." The guy really wants to see what's up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says:

- What's the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?

The farmer tells him that:

- These apples are pussy apples. Here, try one.

The guy takes a bite out of it and says:

- Yuck! This apple tastes like shit!

The farmer says:

- Turn it around!

Your mama is like a pool table, 25 cents and she'll rack your balls.

An old woman in a Nursing Home looks up one day to find an elderly man looking down on her. She smiled and asked him what he wanted.

- To get straight to the point, I know we are old and can no longer pleasure in sexual activity, but I was wondering if you would help me.

- Of course, - she smiled.

- I was wondering if we could take a wander down to the park and if your could hold my penis for a while.

The old woman saw no harm in it, so she agreed. Since then they made it a regular occurence, and every day the 2 elderly people sat on the park bench and she held his penis.

One day, the woman went to the bench, but the man was not there. Feeling hurt, she looked around for him. To her amazement, she saw him and another woman-SHE was holding his penis!

- What does SHE have that I don't? - She screeched.

He looked up at her and smiled.

- Parkinsons, - he replied.

Once upon a time, there once was a traveling salesman who's wife was a well known sex addict. But because the man could not be home all of the time, he often worried about his wife's faithfullness. He had noticed that she had been eyeing the young neighbor boy who cut their lawn recently. So one day the man decided to try to do something about this. After work the man entered a sexual aid shop and asked the owner to show him the selection of dildos.

- Why yes, of course. - said the owner.

- We have a very wide selection.

But after looking for quite a long time, the man just did not find anything that satisfied him.

- Well, maybe I have just what you need. - remarked the owner.

- Wait here.

And with that, the owner ran into the back and started digging around for quite some time. After about twenty minutes, the owner finally came out carrying a strange, rectangular box with ancient writing all over it. He set the box down on the counter and opened it for the man. Inside, resting on a bed of satin, la lay an ancient wooden dildo.

- Wow, that pretty neat. - said the man.

- But what's so special about it?

- This is the Voodoo dick. - remarked the owner.

- Watch.

Then the owner commanded:

- Voodoo dick, rise.

All of a sudden the dildo rose and hovered in front of the man's face.

- Voodoo dick, door.

The dildo then flew to the door and started pounding on it like a jackhammer.

Five minutes later, when the door was nothing but a pile of splinters, the owner finally commanded:

- Voodoo dick, box.

The dildo stopped suddenly and zipped back to rest in its box. The man, being in amazement, pronounced:

- My god, this thing is incredible. I must have it. How much is it?

- Oh no, I cannot sell it to you. It is a family hierloom and is not for sale.

- Well, I must have it. I'll give you $200 for it. - demanded the man.

- No, not for sale.

- $500.

- No, I cannot.

- $700.

- I am sorry.

- $1000.

- Well, ok.

So the man took the dildo home and presented it to his wife:

- When I am gone and you start to get hot and horny, all you need to do is say 'Voodoo dick, cunt' and it will do the rest. - explained the man.

The next day the man had to leave for his business trip. He was not gone more than thirty minutes when his wife started to get that feeling again. She picked up a magazine to read and noticed that their lawn was being mowed, but wanting to stay faithful to her husband, she decided to try her new toy. She ran to the bedroom, fell onto the bed, opened the box, and commanded:

- Voodoo dick, cunt.

With that, the Voodoo dick started to fuck away at her pussy. The wife thought that this was incredible and was having one orgasm after another. An hour passed and she was still orgasming like crazy. Another hour passed and she was begining to tire and getting a bit sore. But she realized that she did not know the command to stop the Voodoo dick. She decided that she had better get help as soon as she could. So she got into her car and raced to the hospital.

While speeding there, she flew past a cop who then proceeded to pull her over.

- Why in the hell were you driving so crazy? - asked the officer.

- Well officer, - answered the wife.

- I have this Voodoo dick in my cunt, and I dont know how to stop it.

To which the officer responded:

- Voodoo dick, my ass!

(AP) The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening at 12:42am.

Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.

Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming...

Foul play has not been ruled out.

I absolutely hate sex on the television.....

I keep falling off!

A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients. He asks:

- And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?

Mr. Johnson replies:

- I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door.

The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers.

The doctor tells her:

- Mrs. Johnson, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on...

Mrs. Johnson yells:

- Steven! Daddy's peeing in the refrigerator again!

• The Ghost Poo: The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo on the toilet paper, but there's no poo in the bowl.
• The Clean poo - The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo in the bowl, but theres no poo on the toilet paper.
• The Wet Poo- You wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
• The Wet Cheeks Poo- That's the kind that comes out of your butt so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water, or splash-back.
• The Second Wave Poo- This poo happens when you think you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to poo some more.
• The Brain Haemorrhage-through-your-nose Poo- You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
• The Lincoln Log Log- The kind of poo that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
• The Power Dump Poo- The kind that comes out so fast, you've barely got your pants down and you're done.
• The Liquid Plumber Poo- This kind of poo is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Poo.
• The Spinal Tap Poo- The kind of poo that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.
• The 'I-think-I'm-turning-into-a-bunny' Poo- When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splishy sounds when they hit the water.
• The 'What-the-hell-died-in-here' Poo- Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out a-gagging and a-gasping for air.
• The 'I-just-know-there's-a-turd-still-dangling-there' Poo- Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop.

Pinnochio was receiving complaints from his girlfriend about consummating their passions.

- Every time we make love - she said:

- I get splinters!

So he went back to his maker, Gipetto, the carpenter, to ask for advice.

- Sandpaper my boy, that's what you need - was the carpenter's response.

A couple of weeks later the carpenter saw Pinnochio again:

- How are you getting on with the girls now?

- Who needs girls? - replied Pinnochio!