Dirty Jokes

BANNED CHILDREN'S BOOKS

• Dad's New Wife Timothy
• Pop! Goes the Hamster...and Other Great Microwave Games
• How to Become the Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
• Safe Sex and the Zip-Lock Bag
• Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets
• Egghead - and Other Things Mrs. Dumpty Gave Humpty
• The Complete Set Of "Mother Got Goosed" Nursery Rhymes
• Peter Rabbit's Frisky Adventures
• The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad
• The Tickling Babysitter
• Babar Meets the Taxidermist
• Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
• Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
• The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
• Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Mom's Purse
• The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
• Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
• Let's Draw Betty and Veronica Without Their Clothes On
• The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead
• How to Insert Sharp Objects into Your Ear
• When is Later?
• The Beanie Babies and the Putrid Odor
• Why Mommy and Daddy Are Bouncing on the Bed
• Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs Get Kinky
• Rin Tin Tin Guards the Herd of Sheep
• How Far is Not Far?
• Three Men in a Tub - The Untold Story
• The Boy Who Cried "Fire!"
• Things Rat Poison Looks Like
• Why Uncle Bud Falls Down
• Two Fingers in the Dike
• Back To School! A Munitions Primer
• Jack and Jill and Ted and Alice
• Things That Are Really Sharp
• How Dopey Got His Name
• Spinach or Steroids - A Guide to Scholarships

A married couple was invited to a Halloween party. That night, as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She told her husband to go to the party without her. 'Don't let me spoil a good time for you,' she said. After further discussion, the husband put his costume on and went to the party. The wife took some aspirin and went to bed.

After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband. As she was getting ready, she thought to herself, 'I wonder what my husband really does when I'm not around.' She then got into a different costume, so her husband wouldn't recognize her, and went to the party. Getting there, she stood off to the side and watched. There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting very physical with them.

She decided to see just how far he would go. She went up to him and started dancing with him, got very close and whispered that they should go outside. Going to one of the cars, they made love. Prior to the midnight unmasking, she left and went home to wait for her husband to return so she could confront him.

He arrived home about 1:00 a.m. and climbed into bed.

She sat up and asked 'Well, how was the party?'

He replied, 'It was no fun without you honey.'

She said, 'I don't believe you. I bet you had lots of fun!'

He replied, 'Really, Honey. When I got to the party, some of the guys and I got bored and we went downstairs and played poker all night.

But you know, that guy I loaned my costume to had one hell of a great time!'

Whats a lesbian dinosaur?
→ A lickalotofpuss !

Whats a gay dinosaur?
→ A lickdicknopuss !

A lady says to her doctor, "My husband has been complaining that my vagina has an odor, but I bent over and took a whiff, and I don't smell anything."

The doctor examines her, and then says, "You need an operation."

She asks, "On my vagina?"

He says, "No. On your nose!"

How do you castrate a hillbilly?
→ Kick his sister in the mouth!

A doctor from Canada was having an affair with one of his female co-workers.

One day she announced to him that she was pregnant with his child. The doctor gave her enough money to fly to California and live their until the child was born. He gave her instructions to send him a postcard with the word SAURKRAUT on it when she gave birth.

About nine months later the doctor arrived home when his wife handed him a postcard. "Here", she said. "This came in the mail today".

The doctor took the postcard and it read... SAURKRAUT SAURKRAUT SAURKRAUT TWO WITH WEINERS & ONE WITHOUT!

How can you compare a lite beer to making love in a canoe?
→ It's fucking close to water!

The young Indian boy had spent most of his life in a quandry... He felt different yet... couldn't figure why... he was just so depressed. He went to the Chief for answers... He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name...

The chief answered in his typically poetic way...

"When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest... and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth."

Then, the boy said to the Chief... And how did my sister "Thundering Bird" get her name? The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird's mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky...

The boy asked again, how his cousin "White Crouching Bear" had been given such a name... And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe.... White Bear's mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby's birth. Then he asked the boy...

"Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

One night a boy wakes up and goes into his parents room and they're having sex. He asks what they're doing and the father says "we're playing poker" and the mother says "& I'm his partner".

He then goes into his grandparents room and asks what they're doing. The grandfather says "We're playing poker" and the grandmother says "& I'm his partner".

He then goes into his brothers room and he's wanking. He asks what he's doing. The brother says "I'm playing poker".

The other brother asks why he doesn't have a partner and the brother replies, "You don't need a partner if you have a good hand !"

Three men meet up on the deck of the rapidly sinking Titanic, a Lawyer, a Catholic Priest and a Social Worker.

They notice that there are only three seats left on the last lifeboat and there are three children standing nearby.

- Social worker: We should give these seats to the children.

- Lawyer: Dont be stupid, fuck the children!

- Catholic priest: Do you really think we've got time?