Random joke from this category
A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up.
After work, she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties. She went home and donned the new garment, and selected a short skirt to go with it.
She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him as she sipped a drink.
She slowly spread her legs ... "Honey would you like some of this?" she asked enticingly. "Hell no!" he gasped, "look what it's done to your underwear!"
Princess Diana and Dolly Parton had both died on the same night. When they reached the gates of Heaven they were greeted by St. Peter.
St. Peter said "Excuse me ladies, but before I let you in... I must know what you were doing when you died... you see Heaven has become AWFULLY crowded...it's our new policy!" He smiled.
"Well...if you must know... I was standing in front of the mirror examining my boobs..." Dolly Parton said.
"And I was going to the bathroom!" Princess Diana said.
"You may enter into Heaven..." St. Peter held the gate open for Princess Diana to pass through.
"WAIT A MINUTE! How come she gets to go and not me?!" Dolly Parton asked.
"Why...don't you know...a royal flush beats 2 of a kind!" St. Peter exclaimed.
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
→ A hooker can clean her crack and resell it the next day.
One day, little Mikey came home from kindergarten and couldn't find his mother. So he headed upstairs and opened her bedroom door.
To his surprise, he saw his dad stripped naked on top of his mom, who was also naked, both heavily into the sexual act. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continued to do what they were doing.
After a couple of minutes, Mikey asked, "Daddy, can I climb on top and have a horsey ride?"
The dad thinks for a second, "Of course son, we're a family."
After a couple more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly.
"Hang on Dad!" cries Mikey, "This is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"
What did Clinton say when commenting on Monica?
→ She has the whitest teeth I've ever cum across.
What do you call a dog with no back legs and steel testicles?
→ SPARKY!!!
What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?
→ They both wiggle when you eat them.
How can you tell if a blonde stuffs her bra?
→ They'll be square because they forget to take the Klennex out of the box.
What do a turtle and a blonde have in common?
→ When they're on their back their both fucked!
Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by.
After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway. "Your husband is very sick," the doctor said. "Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival.
First, fix him three healthy meals a day.
Next, give him a stress-free environment and don't complain about anything.
Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day."
The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband's room.
"What did the doctor say?" he asked.
"I'm sorry, m'dear," she said, "but he said you're not going to make it."
