Dirty Jokes

A man was out driving in his car when all of a sudden a rooster ran out in front of his car, he tried to miss it but unfortunately he ran over the rooster & killed it.

He decided that he should go & tell the farmer, so he got out of his car & walked across the road to the farm, walked up to the front door & knocked, the farmer came to the door & the man said "I'm afraid I've killed your rooster, please let me replace him".

The farmer said "Help yourself, the hens are out in the back".

A few weeks before Christmas a very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made "Tickle Me Elmo" dolls.

It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.

On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part, but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls.

The boss could not control his laughter and said, "Lady, I said to give each doll Two ---- "Test" ---- Tickles."

A farmer is sitting on the front porch of his house one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.

"Hey kid!" the farmer says, "where ya goin' with that wire?"

"Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire. I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!"

"You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" says the farmer.

"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.

Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.

"Hey kid!" the farmer yells, "where ya goin' with that tape?"

"Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape," says the kid, "this here's duck tape. I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!"

"You can't catch ducks with duck tape!" says the farmer.

"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid has a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.

The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.

"Hey kid!" the farmer says, "where ya goin' with that stick?"

"Well, this here ain't just any old stick," says the kid, "this here's pussy willow."

"Hang on," says the farmer, "I'll get my hat!"

The head nun at the convent says, "I found a pair of men's underwear under my desk!"

Twenty nuns gasp, but one nun goes "Heh, heh, heh..."

She says, "And I found a used condom on my desk!"

Twenty nuns gasp, but one nun goes "Heh, heh, heh..."

She says, "And there was a huge tear in the condom!"

One nun gasps, but twenty nuns go, "Heh, heh, heh."

True story: A friend's mom was driving in Canada. She was going through a park area. She sped up. Suddenly, she was pulled over by a park ranger. She decided to see if she could be cute and get herself out of a speeding ticket. When the officer approached her car, she asked innocently, "Gee, officer, did you pull me over to give me a ticket to the policemen's ball?"

To that, he replied, "No ma'am. We're Rangers! We don't have any balls!" He continued to write down some information.

After about a half a minute, the ranger looked up, turned red, and muttered, "Never mind." He closed his ticket book, got in his car, and drove off - no ticket was issued.

What happens when you give Viagra to a Lawyer?
→ He gets taller!

An old woman walks into a drug store and asks the young man behind the counter if they sell extra large condoms. The clerk looks at the woman quizzically, but shrugs and tells her "yes, we do.

They're right here behind the counter."

The old woman thanks the clerk and stands there, and stands there, and stands there.

The clerk asks the old woman, "is there something else I can help you with, Ma'am?".

The woman smiles sweetly at the clerk and says "no, thank you, son.

I'm just waiting here to see who buys them".

A blonde and brunette were walking down the road.

The brunette see's her husband, and he is carrying flowers.

The brunette says to the blonde "now I'm going to half to spread my legs!", and the blonde says "why? don't you have a vase?"

What do you get when you put a Gay guy and a dinosaur together?
→ > A MegasaurASS

A new priest is being given instructions on what to do when he takes confession. The older priest tells the new man, for things like stealing, give 5 hail mary's, and for sleeping with the neighbours, 10 hail mary's.

So the new priest is taking confession one day. The first man in tells the priest he slept with the woman next door. The priest tells him to do 10 hail mary's and he's on his way.

The next man in, confesses to having a wank behind a bush. Somewhat puzzled, the priest steps out of the confessional box and asks two passing alter boys what the "old man" gives for a wank behind a bush.

The two boys reply, "A can of Coke and a Mars Bar."