Dirty Jokes

How do you re-sleeve a prostitute?
→ Put a leg of ham up her snatch and pull the bone out.

Why do bankers make great lovers?
→ They know the penalty for early withdrawal.

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar getting drunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down.

- My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed - she said.

- What a coincidence! My wife just left me - said the man. She told me that I was too kinky for her, too!

The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so much in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to have kinky sex.

When they get to the woman's house she turns to the man and says:

- Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable.

She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather dominatrix outfit.

However, as she is coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on his coat and walking out the door.

- What happened? - she said. I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?

He looks at her and says:

- Well, I just screwed your dog and shit in your purse. I'm done.

The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract and bed such a luscious looking dish. He was even considering trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one night stand. But he couldn't help but wonder why she wasn't already in one.

- I can't help feeling that we've met before - he said.

- Yeah, I know - sighed the girl, stretching. It happens to me a lot. I think they call this 'deja screw'.

A man is driving down the freeway when he sees a sign that says:

- Get gas and free sex here.

So obviously the guy was interested, so he stopped, filled up, and went inside to pay.

- Pick a number from 1 - 10 to get free sex - said the cashier.

- Uh, okay, 3! - the man replied.

- Nope! Sorry, play again.

So the guy drove around for weeks always getting gas at the same place, because he wanted his free sex. One day he was really ticked:

- This has got to be rigged! I have never gotten the number to have free sex! - He screamed.

- Oh no! It's not rigged, just ask your wife, she won 3 times last week alone!

The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband's um... little sailor can't salute anymore. She goes to her local doctor and explains the situation and the doctor just feels plain bad for her. The doc thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says:

- Listen, I don't do this for everyone, but since your husband's on his way out...

- Get this prescription, and put three drops in his milk before he goes to bed.

The wife is very happy and thanks the doc profusely. Two weeks later, the doctor sees the woman and asks how it went.

The lady blushes, smiles and says:

- Well, I put thirty drops in his milk by accident, and well, we just need an antidote now to close the coffin.

The new hooker had just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. She said:

- Well, he was a big, muscular and handsome marine.

- Well? What did he want to do? - they all asked.

She said:

- I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he did not have that much. So, I told him a blowjob would be $75, but he did not have that much either. Finally I said, 'Well how much do you have?' The marine said he only had $25. So, I told him, 'For $25, all I can give you is a hand job.' He agreed and after getting the finances straight, he pulled it out. I put one hand on it. Then, I put the other hand above that one.

She paused, raised her eyebrows, and then continued:

- Then I put the first hand above the second hand...

- Oh my God! - they all exclaimed. It must have been huge! Then what did you do?

- I loaned him $75!

What do you call foreplay in Alabama?
→ 'Hey sis, you awake?'

A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him:

- How the hell do the two of you have sex?

The big guy says:

- I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down.

His friend says:

- You know, that don't sound too bad.

The big guy says:

- Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to.

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
→ He decided to stick it out for one more year!