Dirty Jokes

What's the difference between pussy and apple pie?
→ You can eat your Mom's apple pie.

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
→ Full.

At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head:

- No. A clerk came over and asked:

- May I help you?

- I don't know - said the woman.

- Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?

Jon was looking for a little "action". He picked up a sweet young thang at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac.

After six times she was screaming for more. After the eighth time Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.

On the way out he stopped in the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic that he couldn't find "it".

After a couple of minutes "fishing around" he finally said:

- Look, it's ok. She's not here!

My girlfriend told me to give her 12 inches and make it hurt!

So I fucked her 3 times and then hit her with a baseball bat.

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked:

- Grandpa, are you going to take that new Viagra?

Grandpa looks at him and says:

- No Johnny, I will not.

- But Grandpa, why? - asks little Johnny.

Grandpa replies:

- Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to.

John pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Brian where he'd first had sex.

- It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours.

- That sounds wonderful - said Brian.

- Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.

- Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?

- Baaaaaaa.

What does a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
→ Both can smell it but can't eat it.

A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor.

- Young lady - the doctor began.

- you're pregnant.

- But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in our colony we practice sex only with our eyes.

- Well my dear - said the doctor.

- someone in that colony is cockeyed.

Man to a woman: Do you know what the difference between a blowjob and a cheeseburger is?

Woman: No.

Man: Let's have lunch sometime...