Dirty Jokes

What is green and eats nuts?
→ Herpes!

The aged patient doddered into the doctor's office with a serious complaint.

- Doc, you've got to do something to lower my sex drive.

- Come on now, Mr. Peters, your sex drive's all in your head.

- That's what I mean, you've got to lower it a little.

How can you tell when your girlfriend's horny?
→ You stick your hands in her panties and it feels like you're feeding a horse.

What did the boy with a long tongue and big lips say to his mom as he was masturbating?
→ "Look Ma, no hands!"

I admitted to my friend that I hadn't had sex for a while.

My friend reassured me that I won't forget it, cuz sex is like riding a bicycle.

I know it's been a while, but I don't ever remember pedaling...

Mrs. Ogden went to her doctor and said:

- Please give me a prescription for the Pill.

- I don't think you need the Pill at your age.

- It relaxes me.

- But you know the 'purpose' of the Pill. It's not for relaxing.

- I know - said Mrs. Ogden - but my daughter dates, and every morning I drop one in her orange juice. Believe me, I feel more relaxed.

Did you know that the night Santa first met his future wife he uttered the now famous words:

- Yes, that is a candy cane in my pocket, and I am glad to meet you.

One afternoon this young girl knocked on the door of her neighbor to chit chat the afternoon away. She walked in and said:

- My god, you look so depressed.

She said:

- You bet I am, look what my damn husband sent me... six dozen roses. Now you know what that means? I'm going to have to spend this whole weekend on my back with my legs spread.

- Now that's really silly, why don't you use a vase?

- Want a quickie?

- As opposed to what?

Three guys are discussing women.

- I like to watch a woman's tits best - the first guy says.

The second says:

- I like to look at a woman's ass.

He asks the third guy:

- What about you?

- Me? I prefer to see the top of her head.