Dirty Jokes

A Scottish private walks into the pharmacy near his bases, pulls a beat-up, mutilated condom out of his pocket, and asks the pharmacist how much it would cost to repair the condom. The pharmacist replied that including replacing the band and spotwelding the holes, it would cost 26 pence, but that for 29 pence, he could sell the private a new one. The private said, "Aye, that is a weighty decision, I shall be back in two hours with an answer." Two hours later, The Scotsman returns and says: "The regiment has voted to replace."

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says:

- At least they're finally together.

A guy sitting in the front row says:

- Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?

The priest says:

- I mean her legs.

The limousine was taking the beautiful raven-haired model to the airport.

Halfway there, the front tire went flat. The model said:

- Driver, I don't have time to wait for road service. Can you change it yourself?

The driver said:

- Sure.

He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but couldn't get the wheel cover off. The model saw him struggling and asked:

- Do you want a screwdriver?

He said:

- Sure! But, first I have to change this tire.

What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
→ Erotic is using a feather... kinky is using the whole chicken.

I recently tried some of these new 'flavoured' condoms. I bought one of each flavour they had, and tried each one in turn every time i got a shag. My girlfriend likes to lick each one before i insert it in her, just to see what flavour i was wearing.

The first night she said:

- Mmmmm, Cherry flavour

The second night she said:

- Mmmmm, Mint flavour

The third night she said:

- Mmmmm, Strawberry flavour

and so on, until we had reached the final flavour, and she said:

- Mmmmm, Cheese flavour

- Cheese flavour ?? - i said

- I haven't put one on yet!

An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey", said the young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No", said the old man, "It means you can take your pick."

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"

"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we--" His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"

"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."

A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and generally got organized for a leg over. After a few minutes, the girl started laughing. The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. "Your organ," she replied. "It's a bit on the small side." Hurt, he replied: "It's not used to playing in cathedrals."

Two elderly Southern women are sitting on the veranda sipping lemonade and reminiscing about old times.

One says to the other:

- Darling, do you remember the minuet?

The other replies:

- Sweetheart, I can't even remember the ones I screwed!

At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here has ever seen a ghost?" Most of the hands go up. "And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?" About half the hands stay up.

"OK, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?" Three hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd. "Gosh, that's pretty good. OK, have any of you ever, uh, been intimate with a ghost?" One hand stays up. The speaker blinks. "Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've actually had sexual contact with a ghost?" The guy with his hand up suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said 'goat'."