Dirty Jokes

The Perfect Day - Her

- 8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses

- 9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale

- 9:30 Light Breakfast

- 11:00 Sunbathe

- 12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe

- 1:45 Shopping

- 2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs

- 3:00 Facial, massage, nap

- 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing

- 10:00 Make love

- 11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him

- 6:45 Alarm.

- 7:00 Shower and massage.

- 7:30 Blowjob.

- 7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.

- 8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.

- 8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.

- 9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.

- 11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.

- 12:30 Blowjob.

- 12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.

- 2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.

- 3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.

- 6:15 Blowjob.

- 6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.

- 7:30 Shit, shower, shave.

- 8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).

- 9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero

- 10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries

- 11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave.

- Midnight Blowjob

- Sleep

Have you heard about the new line of Tampax with bells and tinsel?
→ It's for the Christmas period.

When the milkman found a note on one of his customer's doors asking for 16 gallons instead of the usual quart, he rang the bell.

- Sorry to bother you, ma'am - he said - but are you sure you want sixteen gallons of milk today?

- Oh, yes - said the lady of the house.

- I'm going to take a milk bath.

- Do you want it pasteurized?

- No, just up to my tits would be fine.

Why did god invent alcohol?
→ So fat women can get laid too.

How is a woman like a road?
→ Both have manholes.

How is a woman like an airplane?
→ Both have cockpits.

What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
→ Toys for Twats.

Why are girls like pianos?
→ When they're not upright, they're grand...

What does a woman of 40 have between her breasts that a woman of 20 doesn't?
→ A belly-button!

God created woman, and she had 3 breasts.

He said to the woman:

- Is there anything on you that you'd like to change?

She said:

- Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?

God snapped his fingers and it was done.

She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand:

- What am I going to do with this useless boob?

And God created man.