Dirty Jokes

- Prosecutor: Mr. Clinton, did you have an improper relationship with Monica Lewinsky?

- Pres: Improper? ... Ain't nothing improper about that. That was one of the sweetest interns I've ever had.

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said:

- Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?

- Yes, I know - said the lady.

- I need both hands to hold onto this hat.

- But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed! - said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied:

- Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!

Willy's rolling down the hall of a retirement home acting like he's driving a car, an orderly turns the corner and asks Willy what he's doing.

Willy replies:

- I'm going to Chicago for the weekend.

The orderly chuckles and enters Bob's room to check on him.

He catchs Bob pleasuring himself, when asked what he is doing, Bob replies:

- I'm screwing Willy's old lady while he's away in Chicago.

A young boy was visiting his grandfather's farm when one day he walks out behind the barn and sees his grandfather playing with himself.

The boy says:

- What are you doing grandpa, jacking off?

Grandpa replies:

- No sonny, just jacking!

How do you get four old ladies to say the F word?
→ Have the fifth one say.... BINGO!

Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV. When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said, "Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"

Nancy & Betty, and Jim & Tom were in the old people's home. Nancy & Betty thought Jim & Tom weren't getting enough excitement so they decided to run naked past Jim & Tom's room. Later that night they did just that.

Jim looked at Tom and said:

- Did you see that? What in the hell were Nancy & Betty wearing?

- I don't know, but whatever it was, it sure needed ironing.

An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died.

Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play along with him.

- It did? I'm sorry to hear that - she replied.

Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said:

- Mr. Smith I thought you told me your penis died.

- It did - he replied;

- today is the viewing

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phoney beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked:

- Going to a party?

- Yeah - the man answered.

- I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life.

- But you look like Abe Lincoln - protested the barkeep.

- That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago.

"Dear Reyer School, God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful. She asked if she could listen to mine, so naturally I told her to go fuck herself.

Sincerely,
Edna Johnston"