Random joke from this category
Cover Charge: $15.00
Round of Drinks: $23.00
Table Dance: $30.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Couch Dance and Tips: $50.00
A Round of Shots: $34.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private Dance and Hotel Room: $500.00
Sending her on her way without having to cuddle or listen to her:
PRICELESS!
NEWS FLASH - GOD ANNOUNCES THE 11TH COMMANDMENT!
During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton has brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.
They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten. They began their brain-storming and came up with the 11th.
After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be:
- Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff.
A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it.
When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences to repeat the performance.
The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again.
The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself.
So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed...and finds four Chinese men.
An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini:
- I want to feel your breasts - he exclaimed.
- Get away from me, you crazy old man - she replied.
- I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars - he says.
- Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!
- I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS - he stated.
- NO! Get away from me!
- TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS - he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said:
- I said NO!
- FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts - he claimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money....
- Well, OK...but only for a minute.
She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying:
- OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... - while he was caressing them.
Out of curiosity, she asked him:
- Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?
While continuing to feel her breasts he answered:
- OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?
Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
→ Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
→ Have sex once a year.
What is the most common pregnancy craving?
→ For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
→ With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
→ Depends on what you're doing with them.
The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
→ Cause you're fatter then they are.
My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
→ So what's your question, dork?
Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
→ No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
→ Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
→ Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
→ Yes, baby lips.
Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
→ Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
What causes baby blues?
→ Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
A farmer had three sons. One day his oldest came to him and said that since he was graduating from high school, he would really like to get a car.
His father said:
- Son, come here.
He took him to the barn and pointed to the tractor and said:
- This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car.
The boy was not too happy, but was understanding.
A week later, his second son approached him wanting a motorcycle.
- Well, as soon as the tractor is paid for we'll see about getting you your scooter - the father said.
Shortly after, his youngest was bugging him for a bike.
Again, the father gave him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with his father's explanation, saw the farm rooster doing it's rooster duty with one of the hens. He promptly went over and kicked the rooster off the hen's back, mumbling to himself.
His dad asked:
- Son, now why would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to deserve that.
The third son replied:
- Hey, nobody around here rides anything until that tractor gets paid off!
A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.
He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing. He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.
- Thank you - he said.
- I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind.
- Dancing? I'm not dancing! - the armless man replied bitterly...
- My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!
An old couple were sitting in their living room on a Sunday morning watching a religious program.
The preacher on this show would go to all the people in the audience and asking them what they wanted fixed, then he would have them cover the part of their body they wanted fixed.
Many of the people were elderly so they were covering their eyes and hearts. Then the preacher said:
- Ok now for you at home put your hand on the part of your body you want fixed and say this prayer with me.
So the little old lady put her hand on her heart, because she had a very bad heart. And the little old man put his hands on his crotch.
The little old lady turned to her husband and said:
- He said he could heal the sick, not raise the dead!
The Top 5 Men in a Woman's life are:
A Doctor says to take off your clothes.
A Dentist says open wide.
A Coal man asks:
- where do you want it, front or back?
A Decorator says:
- how do you like it now that it's up?
A Bank manager says:
- don't take it out you'll lose interest!
