Dirty Jokes

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied:

- I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said:

- I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said:

- Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?

She replied:

- If I tell you, you'll laugh.

- No, I won't.

- Well, if you must know - she answered.

- I work for Tampax.

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said:

- See I knew you would laugh.

- That's not what I'm laughing at - he replied.

- I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!

A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.

He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.

The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.

Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.

An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.

The city fella looked up and weakly said:

- No... the bees never touched me - but doesn't that calf have a mother!?!

Kelly limps into his favorite pub...

- My god! What happened to you? - the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

- I got in a tiff with Riley - whispered Kelly to the beertender.

- Riley? He's just a wee fellow - the barkeep said surprised.

- He must have had something in his hand.

- That he did - Kelly said.

- A shovel it was.

- Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?

- Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley's right tit. - Kelly said.

- And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!

A young wife, her boorish husband and a good-looking sailor were ship-wrecked on an island and had already been there for awhile.

One morning the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled:

- Stop fucking her down there!

- What's the matter with you? - asked the husband after the sailor came back down.

- We weren't doing anything.

- Sorry - said the sailor.

- from up there it looked like you were.

Every morning after that, the sailor scaled the small tree and yelled the same thing. Finally, the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.

- By golly, he's right - said the husband.

- It DOES look like they're fucking down there!

1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.
2. Nice legs...what time do they open?
3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen one?
8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
9. Want to play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
15. Are those real?
16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
19. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.
20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
22. F@# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Sherry Titsbottom?
23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
24. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?
33. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
34. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
35. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.
36. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
37. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

1. Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.(why wait that long)
2. Thou shall not do drugs.(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)
3. Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.(Walmart has a bigger selection)
4. Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)
5. Thou shall not steal from your parents.(everyone knows grandma has more money)
6. Thou shall not get into fights.(Cat fight anyhow...just start them.)
7. Thou shall not skip class.(just take the whole day off)
8. Thou shall not strip in class.(Hooters pays more)
9. Thou shall not think about having sex.(like Nike says, "just do it")
10. Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.(just leave'm in the middle)

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, since he sometimes could be a bit crude.

But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

- It's a period - reported Johnnie.

- Well I can see that - she said.

- But what is so exciting about a period.

- Damned if I know - said Johnnie.

- But this morning my sister said she missed one....

Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the guy next door shot himself!

A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person:

- How much are the washer and dryer?

- Five dollars for both of them - the salesman said.

- Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me! - the man replied sarcastically.

- No, that's the price - the salesman said.

- Do you want to buy them or not?

- Yeah, I'll take them! - the customer responded.

He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers.

- How much? - he asked.

- Five dollars for the system - the salesman answered.

- Is it stolen? - the guy asks.

- No - said the salesman.

- It's brand new, do you want it or not?

- Sure - the customer replied.

He looked around some more.

Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor.

- How much?

- Five dollars - was the familiar response.

- I'll take that too! - the man said.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him:

- Why are your prices so cheap?

The salesman said:

- Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.

- What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!

MR. SMITH got himself a new secretary.

She was young, sweet and pretty.

One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.

When leaving the room she said:

- Oh, Mr. Smith, did you know your barracks door is open?

He did not understand her remark, but later he happened to look down and saw his zipper was open.

He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in he asked:

- By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open did you also see a soldier standing at attention?

The secretary who was quite witty said:

- Why no Mr. Smith.

- All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags.

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.

One knight told his best friend:

- My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.

Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.

A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend.

He yells:

- Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!