Dirty Jokes

An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches:

- Can I help you lad?

- Yesh, Shombody shtole me car! - the Irishman replies.

The cop asks:

- Well now, where was your car last time you saw it?

- It was at the end of this key.

About this time the cop looks down to see that the Irishman's member is being exhibited for all to see. He then asks:

- Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?

The Irishman looks down woefully and moans:

- OOH GOD... they got me girl too!

Deep in the woods sat a bear and a squirrel at the communal latrine.

- Hmmm - says the bear to the squirrel:

- Do you find that shit tends to stick to your fur?

- Yes it does - replies the squirrel.

- Great! - says the bear, and wipes his ass with the squirrel.

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.

- I demand proper manners in bed - she declared:

- just as I do at the dinner table!

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets.

- Is that better? - he asked, with a hint of a smile.

- Yes - replied the girl:

- much better.

- Very good, darling - the husband whispered.

- Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy.

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie.

- As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes - said the genie:

- But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over.

The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones.

- Let's see. My first wish is... - He looked at his weather beaten bungalow:

- ...to live in a ten story luxury mansion.

The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion.

- Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable. - said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.

- What is your final wish, Master? - asked the genie.

- I want to lose a testicle - said the man.

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.

When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.

The man shouted:

- What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there.

The prostitute snapped back:

- What do you want to do, knit or fuck?

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door.

The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.

- Don't be afraid, darling - said the man:

- Wait until I tell you about this.

- Get out of here! - cried his wife:

- And take that sex maniac with you!

THE TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
11. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
12. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
13. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
14. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
15. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
16. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
17. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
18. Less guilt the next morning.

and, the #1 reason trick or treating is better than sex...

1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!

A Rolls Royce pulls up in front of a really expensive restaurant and a really rich sheik gets out from it followed by a harem of women, and a rooster. The "party" is escorted to a table and given a menu.

When time to order the sheik orders for himself and the harem, and also asks for a basket of apples for the rooster. The waiter thinks it a bit strange, but does as is asked, and brings the apples for the rooster. One by one, the rooster eats all of the apples. Having noticed this, the sheik orders another basket of apples for the rooster. Again the rooster eats all the apples.

When summoned again, the waiter asks the sheik about the voracious appetite of the rooster.

The sheik explains:

- I was in the desert one day and found a lamp.

- It was a bit dirty so I rubbed it to clean it.

- Just as I did, out came a Genie and granted me three wishes...

- My first wish was to have an endless supply of money. My second wish was to have many beatiful women.

- And my third wish was to have an insatiable cock!

Little Martin is four years old. One day while he was pestering his mother, she said:

- Why don't you go across the street and watch the builders work, maybe you will learn something.

Martin was gone about two hours. When he came home, his mother asked him what he had learned.

Martin replied:

- Well first you put the goddamn door up. Then the son of a bitch doesn't fit so you have to take the cock sucker down. Then you have to shave a cunt hair off each side and put the mother fucker back up.

Martin's mother said:

- Wait until your father gets home.

When Martin's father got home, Martin's mum told him to ask Martin what he had learnt today. When Martin told him the whole story, dad said:

- Martin, go outside and get me a switch.

Martin replied:

- Get fucked. That's the electrician's job.

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport then could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect):

- If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!

So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain His financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big time.

Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line:

- How much for a ride to the airport - he asked?

- Fifteen bucks - came the reply.

- And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?

- What?! Get the hell out of my cab.

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked:

- How much for a ride to the airport?

The cabbie replied:

- Fifteen bucks.

The businessman said:

- ok and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver in line.