Dirty Jokes

1. Man: "Haven't we met before?"
   Woman: "Yes, I was the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
2. Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
   Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
3. Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
   Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
4. The most memorable rebuttal to a turn-down (used by the guy who used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused:
   Man: "Want to Dance?"
   Woman: "No, thank you."
   Man: "Don't thank me, thank God because somebody asked you."
5. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
   Woman: "It's in the phone book."
   Man: "But I don't know your name."
   Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
6. Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
   Woman: "Female impersonator."
7. Man: "You know, I'd really love to travel to exotic places with you."
   Woman: (tries to ignore him)
   Man: "You know what? I also love sex.. What do you say to that?"
   Woman: "Hmmm you really love sex and travel?"
   Man: (nods his head smiling)
   Woman: "Then go take a fuckin' hike!!!"
8. I like the line I once heard in a movie. This guy was trying to pick up this girl, and she said to him, "Can you pound a railroad spike through a 2x4 with your hard-on?" To which he merely shudders a negative. She says, "Well, a girl's gotta have her standards."
9. Man: "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
   Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
10. What sign were you born under?
    → No Parking.
11. Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
    Woman: "Unfertilized, fuck off!"
12. After hearing a pick-up line:
    Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
13. A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."
14. A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at?" My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken."
15. While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes" had been rejected by the intended female recipient. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once.
    When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" She responded, "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
    He immediately blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else.
16. The attractive young woman was sitting at the bar, alone, when the lounge lizard made his move.
    "I'm here," he breathed huskily, "to fulfill your every sexual fantasy." The woman turned and looked at him. Her lips parted and she moistened them with the tip of her tongue. She leaned toward him with her hands on her thighs, and her eyes opened to the size of dinner plates. She paused just a second and then delivered the crusher line, "Well is it the size of donkey or Doberman?"

A guy walks up to his friend and says:

- why do you have 'R' and 'L' on your hands?

He replies:

- So I know which is my left and which is my right.

"Oh" says the guy "Now I know why my wife has C and A written on her panties!"

There once was a service man who toured the Middle East and married a beautiful little China doll.

He brought her back to the States and they were very happy.

He always enjoyed looking at her rear end and telling her what a beautiful butt she had. Every day it was, "Darling I love you and what a beautiful butt you have." Every night it was, "Darling I love you and what a beautiful butt you have."

Well his birthday was getting close and she wanted to surprise him with a tattoo on her rear end that said, "Beautiful Butt."

So she finds a reputable tattoo artist and explains what she wants. Well the artist asks her to turn around and after a brief pause says, "There is no way I can get "Beautiful Butt" on your tiny little beautiful butt." But I can put a nice "B" on each cheek which will stand for "Beautiful Butt."

A bit disappointed, she agrees and leaves with her B's. Well the big day arrives and after a candle light dinner, gifts, and a sip of brandy, she appears in the bedroom in her birthday suit, turns around and bends over.

Quickly sitting up he exclaims:

- Darling I love you, but who the hell is Bob?

What's the difference between a woman in the bath tub and a nun?
→ The nun has a soul full of hope.

What's the difference between a circus and a Las Vegas Dance Show?
→ The circus is an array of cunning stunts.

1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.2. Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams. OR: I want to call your mother and thank her.3. Is your daddy a thief? ["No. "] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they say "yes."]4. You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.5. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?6. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.7. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.8. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?9. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.10. My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.11. My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover."12. Nice shoes. Wanna sleep together?13. Can I flirt with you?14. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.15. [Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?":] Checking to see if you were made in heaven. OR: Checking to see if you're the right size.16. All those curves, and me with no brakes.17. If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?18. Screw me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?19. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.20. [Grab his/her tush. ] Pardon me, is this seat taken?21. Is it hot in here or is it just you?22. Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart. [Cheese alert!]23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.24. How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?25. Do you know what'd look good on you? Me. 26. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?27. So. . . How am I doin'?28. How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?29. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.30. Say, that's a nice [dress/outfit/article of clothing]. Can I talk you out of it?31. I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?32. I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away.33. Excuse me, is that semen in your hair?34. My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.

Three nun's were touring the local zoo one sunny afternoon having a picnic. While wandering around, they entered the monkey house.

Unfortunately, one of the nuns got to close to the gorilla cage and he pulled her inside. He savagely beat and raped the nun. It took 4 guards to pull the nun to safety. The nun spent three months in the hospital recovering and then was sent to a convent in England, for six months, to recover emotionally.

Amazingly, the same three nuns met up again the next year in the park. The younger of the two asked her if she minded talking about the experience in the zoo.

She said:

- Of course not.

The younger nun asked:

- Did it hurt?

The sister replied:

- Of course! He never called and he never wrote.

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.

Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.

- Excuse me, - our man stammered, but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is.

- Yeah? So? - his hulking neighbor replied.

- Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts.

The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.

- OK, - the husband says gruffly, for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's tits.

At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.

- Well, come on already, kiss 'em! - he growls.

- I can't - replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.

- Why not? - demands the husband, getting really angry now.

- I don't have ten thousand dollars!

Do Or Say If You Wake Up To Your Roommate Having Sex50. (the obvious) "Ooooooo"49. "That would work better the other way around. ."48. Sniff. Sniff. "Is something burning?"47. "Damn, that's complicated."46. "Wait, wait, use my pillow."45. "Alright already, _I_came."44. "You guys need a value pak."43. Smoke a pipe. Every once in a while wave it around and say "Good show, old bean."42. "Is that sperm or a mudpack?"41. "You've got something stuck in your teeth."40. "4 out of 5 dentists say that's bad for your enamel."39. Go to the fridge, break open a cold one and pick up the remote. Point and click. Complain when they don't change positions. 38. "You know, they say that three's a charm."37. Suggest your favorite position. 36. Shine a flashlight on them and say, "This is a citizen's arrest,assume the position."35. "Bring in the Gimp."34. "Hold that pose."33. Sit up in your bed, bounce vigorously, clapping and squealing withjoy.32. Start signing Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light."31. Sing "Shake your bootie."30. "A little to the left."29. "Is that a penis in your girlfriend or are you just happy to see me?"28. "Is there room for two in there?"27. "Two words: penis extension."26. Invite others in as a cheering section. 25. Charge admission at the door. 24. Make and hold up score cards. 23. All of them should read 6. 9. 22. Whip out a pen a paper and take notes. 21. "Maybe it would help if you. ."20. "That's what you call erect?"19. "That reminds me of a joke I heard. ."18. "Let the chicken go, he had nothing to do with it!"17. Hold up two bags and say, "Paper or plasic?"16. Roll over, grunt and say, "I'd rather be fishing."15. "Use the Heimlich; she's got something stuck in her throat."14. "May I cut in?"13. "That's illegal in Arkansas."12. "Holy whips and chains, Batman."11. Scream at the top of your lungs. If they ask what's wrong, explain that you thought you were having a nightmare.10. Take pictures. Explain that it was a Kodak moment. 9. Recite quotes from Condom Month like "Pack your wiener before you bean her" and "Wrap your packer before you wack her."8. "MMM- that looks good, I think I'll try some, too."7. "Let's make a sandwich."6. "Is that hard enough for you?"5. "I'm going to the water fountain. Can I get you anything?"4. "I think you dropped something."3. "Do you like to eat at the Y?"2. Pick up your camcorder and say "How much do you think they would pay to see this on Pay-Per-View?"1. "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop??"

Little Johnny has to stay at Grandma's for the weekend. Being an old school gal, bathing Little Johnny with her, Grandma sees no harm. So, there they are in the shower and Johnny points to Grandma's crotch and says:

- Grandma, what's that?!?

Grandma, somewhat shocked, quickly replies:

- That's my beaver, Johnny.

"Oh, okay." And this answer seems to appease Johnny's curiousity.

Well, Johnny returns home, and one morning, Mom is running late for work. She decides that to save time, she'd bathe Johnny with her. Off to the shower, and once again, Johnny sees something not so familiar to him.

- Mom, what's that? - asks Johnny pointing to Mom's nether regions.

Taken back, Mom says:

- Johnny, that's my beaver.

Johnny replies:

- I thought so. I think Grandma's is dead. Its tongue is hanging out and its all gray and wrinkled!

A veterinarian got a phone call at midnight one night.

The woman on the other end of the phone said:

- My wee puppy is together with the dog from next door and I can't get them apart.

The vet asked her if she tried throwing a bucket of water on them.

She said:

- Yes, but it didn't work.

He said:

- Did you try hitting them with a broom.

She said:

- Yes, but that didn't work either.

He then said:

- Well Ma'am here's what you do. Hang up. I'll call you back. When the phone rings, they will separate.

She said:

- Do you really think that will work?

He said:

- Well it just did for me!