Random joke from this category
A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an incredible set of jugs.
He says:
- Give me two pickets to Titsburgh...umm... I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh.
He's really embarrassed...
The guy in line behind him says:
- Relax, pal. We all make Freudian slips like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pass the sugar', but I accidentally said...'You fucking bitch, you wrecked my life!'
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".
The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu.
The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.
How do you catch a polar bear?
→ You dig a hole in the ice and place peas all around it, and when the polar bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole!
A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help:
- Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says:
- I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned.
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother:
- Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?
His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says:
- Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would.
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her:
- Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?
His sister looks up and says:
- Omigod! Definitely!
The kid goes back to his father and says:
- Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores.
Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?
→ Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.
Why doesn't Santa have any children?
→ Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.
What do blacks and Christmas trees have in common?
→ They both have colored balls.
How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike?
→ They both have ornamental balls.
Two nuns riding down a cobbled road on bicycles. First one says to the other:
- I've never come this way before.
Other nun says:
- Neither have I. It's probably the cobbles.
