Celebrities

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield
When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason. - Molly McGee
Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. - Mickey Rooney
In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues. - Helen Rowland
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. - Unknown
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner

Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn. - Madonna
All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others. - Henry Youngman
To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior'. - Rita Rudner
This guy says, 'I'm perfect for you, because I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.' I said, 'Oh, a gay trucker?' - Judy Tenuta
Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks. - Jean Kerr
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison. - Tim Allen
I love men, even though they're lying, cheating scumbags. - Gwyneth Paltrow

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children. - J. Paul Getty
A man explained inflation to his wife thus: 'When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you're 42-42-42. There's more of you, but you are not worth as much.' - Lord Barnett
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. - Rita Rudner
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. - Dorothy Parker
My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. - Errol Flynn

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar. - H. L. Mencken
Run for office? No. I've slept with too many women, I've done too many drugs, and I've been to too many parties. - George Clooney
Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material. - Dave Letterman
Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living. - P. J. ORourke
Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary. - Robert Louis Stevenson
Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book. - Ronald Reagan

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. - Charlotte Whitton
Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone. - Lenny Bruce
I love women. They're the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine. - Mel Gibson
I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone can handle a bad girl. It's the good girls men should be warned against. - David Niven
One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money. - Edgar Watson Howe
Brigands demand your money or your life, women require both. - Samuel Butler

The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work. - Robert Frost
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse - Dennis Miller
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? - Edgar Bergen
Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished. - Leslie Nielsen
The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job. - Slappy White
I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'. - Robert Paul
It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up. - Muhammad Ali
A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error. - Dennis Miller
I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. - Jerome K Jerome

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. - Tom Clancy
I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on it. - William Faulkner
I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87. - Steve Martin
I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know. - Mel Brooks
It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. - Robert Benchley
A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction. - William Faulkner
The free-lance writer is the person who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps. - Robert Benchley

Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried. - Mae West
Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens. - Jimi Hendrix
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with. - Marty Feldman
How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars. - Steve Martin
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it. - W.C. Fields
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them. - Samuel Palmer

- Regis: Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend. The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?

- Barbara: Sure, I'll have a go!

- Regis: Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it........ A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars.

- Barbara: I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%... No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

- Regis: Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

- Barbara: I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham.

(ringing)

- Maggie (also a blonde): Hello...

- Regis: Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million. The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question. There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara.

- Barbara: Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it: A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush

- Maggie: Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple..... It's a Cuckoo.

- Barbara: You think?

- Maggie: I'm sure.

- Barbara: Thanks Maggie.

(hangs up)

- Regis: Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?

- Barbara: I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo

- Regis: Is that your final answer?

- Barbara: It is.

- Regis: Are you confident?

- Barbara: Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet.

- Regis: Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara.

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks, "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"

- Maggie: Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock.

- Little boy: Mummy is God a girl or a boy?

- Mummy: Why God is both girl and boy

- Little boy: Mummy is God black or white?

- Mummy: Why God is both black and white

- Little boy: Mummy is God gay or strait?

- Mummy: Why God is both gay and strait

- Little boy: Mummy is God Michael Jackson?