Bar Jokes

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in realizes it's a gay bar, but decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches he says to the guy, "What's the name of your penis?"

- Guy: Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink.

- Waiter: I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike' for the slogan 'Just Do It'. That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers' because 'It Really Satisfies'.

The guy looks dumbfounded, so the waiter says he'll give him a couple of minutes to think it over. So the guy turns to the man on his left and asks, "Hey, bud, what's the name of your penis?"

- Other customer: Timex!

- First guy: Why Timex?

- Other guy: Because it takes a lickin and keeps on tickin!

A little shaken, he turns to the guy on his right.

- First guy: What's the name of your penis?

- Second guy: Ford! Because quality is job #1! Have you driven a Ford lately?

Even more shaken, he thinks a little more and finally thinks of a name for his penis.

- Guy: Bartender! The name of my penis is 'Secret'!

- Waiter: (pouring beer) Why 'Secret'?

- Guy: (proudly) Because it's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!

Two pieces of string walked into a bar and ordered a pint. 'sorry' said the barman, 'we don't serve pieces of string in here' and with that he threw the two pieces of string out.

Outside, one of the pieces of string ruffeled himself up, tied himself in a loop and went back into the bar.

'Are you one of those pieces of string I just threw out?' asked the barman.

'No' replied the string, 'I'm a frayed not'!

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful lady.

"May I buy you a drink?" the man asks the lady.

"Sure, but one thing I have to confess before you get intimate is that I was once a man," she responds.

"Whoa! I would have never known if you hadn't told me," the man says shocked, "Well what was the worst part of the operation? Was it when they sewed on those gahoonas?"

"No," she says calmly.

"What about when they cut off your.."

"No," she says hesitantly.

"Well what was the worst part of the operation?", the man asks.

"Well, the worst part has to be when they removed half of my brain!"

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"Oh really? What's it telling you now?" she inquires.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast!"

There's this mushroom who walks into a bar one night. All he wants is one beer. So he goes up to the bar, hops up on the stool and asks the bartender for a beer.

- Bartender: Sorry mister, can't give it to ya.

- Mushroom: C'mon, just one beer..please?

- Bartender: Nope, can't do it.

The mushroom looks around and says again, "C'mon, just..just one beer and then I'll leave you alone."

- Bartender: Look, for the last time... I'm not serving you the damn beer!

Finally the mushroom says to the bartender, "Hey, c'mon man...

I'm a Fun-gi!"

Roy walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs Roy that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?

Roy is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, Roy stumbles in the SIDE door of the "same" bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. He looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, Roy bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

Roy surprisingly looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries - "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at!?!?!"

A man and his girlfriend are at a bar when the girl goes to the bathroom. When she comes back she's crying. Her boyfriend asks her what happend.

"As I was leaving the bathroom, a big guy at the pool table said he wanted to kiss my breasts all night long!"

The boyfriend stood up from his stool and takes off his jacket.

"He also said he wants to screw me all night long!!" By this time the boyfriend is furious and starts walking to the pool table.

"He said he wants to drink beer from my pussy all night!!!" The boyfriend stops, turns around, sits back up on his stool and grabs his beer.

His girlfriend is stunned, and asks why he wasn't doing anything about the jerk at the pool table.

The boyfriend says "I'm sorry Honey, - but I'm not messing around with a guy that can drink that much beer!"

A termite walks into a bar and asks: "is the bartender here?"

C'mon...think about it! :)

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodka."

The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife!"

So a dude turns to the guy next to him at a bar and asks, "Hey, you wanna hear a redneck story?"

The guy says, "Buddy, I'm six feet, 210 pounds, an' ma name's Billy Joe. You see the guy on the other side of you? That there's Bubba. He's 225 pounds of solid muscle and he's a redneck. And the boy next to him? Mike's a trucker who weighs 295 and he's a redneck, too. Now, do you still want to tell your redneck story?"

The fella says, "Naw, you're right. . . I'd hate to have to explain it three times!"