Bar Jokes

A man and his dog went into a pub. The barman said "Sorry mate no dogs allowed in here!" The dog said "Oh please don't be like that, I'm trained and I won't cause any trouble!" The bar man was astonished at the talking dog and sat and chatted with the dog and it's owner.
After a while the owner went to the toilet and the barman saw his chance for a prank. He said to the dog "Would you do me a favor as a wind up, will you go down to my friends bakers shop and order a loaf of bread??" "Sure!" Replied the dog. The bar man gave the dog a fiver and the dog left.

When the owner came out of the toilet he went into a panic when he saw his dog had gone. The barman said "It's ok he's gone down to the bakery for me" The owner was livid "It IS NOT OK he's never been out on his own, anything could happen to him he could get run over.

The owner spent the next hour searching for his dog, walking the streets frantically. As he was walking he heard strange noises coming from an ally way, he went down and there was his dog having it's wicked way with a lady poodle. "ROVER!" Shouted the owner "You've had me worried sick, what's the matter with you you've never dissapeared like this before!" The dog replied "I've never had a fiver before!"

What is a crowbar?
→ A place where crows go to get a drink!

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling...

"SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"

A guy stumbles through the front door of a bar, ambles up to the bartender and orders a beer.

The bartender looks at the drunk man and says, "I'm sorry sir, but I can't serve you...you've already had too much to drink." The guy swears and walks out of the bar.

Five minutes later the guy comes flying through the side door of the bar, and yells for a beer.

Again the bartender says, "I'm sorry, sir...but I can't serve you...you've already had too much to drink!"

Ten minutes later, the same guy comes barrel-assing through the back door of the bar, storms up to the bartender, and demands a beer.

Again, the bartender says to the man...

"I'm really sorry, sir, but you've had too much to drink...you're going to have to leave!"

The guy looks quizzically at the bartender and says finally, "My God, man... How many bars do you work at?!!!"

A man walks in to a bar and says to the bartenter "Give me twenty shots of your best singlemalt scotch quick!"

The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them as fast as he can.

The bartender says "Wow. I never saw anybady drink that fast."

The man says "well you would drink as fast as I do if you had what I have."

The bartender says "Oh my god. what is it. what do you have?"

The man looks at him and says "Fifty cents."

A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, "I'm Jesus Christ."

The first priest says, "No, son, I'm Jesus Christ."

So the drunk says it to the second priest.

The second priest replies, "No, son, I'm Jesus Christ."

The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." and walks back into the bar with the priests.

The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

A gay guy walks into a bar and says "bartender give me a brewskie."

The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."

The gay continues, "I'll just sit in the corner and drink my beer and won't say anything."

The bartender says, "Well, all right!" and pours a beer.

A while later a cowboy walks in and says "Bartender give me a beer! I'm so thirsty I could lick the sweat off a cow's balls" A voice is heard from the corner. "Moo! Moo! Buckaroo!"

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender...

- Brunette: I'll have a B and C.

- Bartender: What is a B and C?

- Brunette: Bourbon and Coke.

- Redhead: And, I'll have a G and T.

- Bartender: What's a G and T?

- Redhead: Gin and tonic.

- Blonde: I'll have a 15.

- Bartender: What's a 15?

- Blonde: 7 and 7

A guy walked into a bar and said "Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender." But when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have the money, so the bartender beat him up. The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldn't pay. Then the next day, the guy said "Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!" The bartender said "Why?" The guy replied "You're violent when you're drunk!"

OK, so a man walks into a bar with a large box, the bar tender goes up to him and asks "whats in the box".

The man says "I'll show ya' if you get me a beer." So of course the bar tender gets the man a beer, the man drinks it, and he pulls out a little foot tall man and he pulls out a little piano. The little man starts playing the piano!

Next the bar tender asks "hey! thats prety cool, where did ya' get that?"

The man says "I'll tell ya' if you get me another beer." So the bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and he says "I got it from a geenie and a lamp" The bar tender says "If ya' let me barrow that geenie and that lamp I'll give ya' another beer."

The man says "Oh, Okay!"

The bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and the man gives the bar tender the lamp.

The bar tender rubs the lamp and the geenie pops out!

The geenie says "Master, I grant you one wish, what is it?"

The bar tender says "I wish for a million bucks!!!" And all of a sudden a million ducks start flying into the room. "What the heck is this!!! I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks!!!"

And the man says "Well did you think I wished for a 12 inched pianist!"