Bar Jokes

Two friends in a Bar:

- JACK: Joe, at what moment does your wife shout loudest during sex?

- JOE: Er..., when I clean myself off with the curtains.

2 people walk into a bar. The third one ducked.

A Horse walks into a bar: "Hey buddy," says the bartender, "why the long face?"

There were three guys in a new bar that just openened and the bartender asked them what he should call his new bar.

One guy said, "just name it a pub." Another said, "just name it the bar." The thrid guy said, "name it Suzy's Legs".

The owner like that one so he called his bar Suzy's Legs.

The next morning, this same guy and his dog were sitting in front of the bar waiting for it to open when a cop drove by and asked what he was doing?

He replied...nothing officer..."just waiting for Suzy's Legs to open so I can get a drink!"

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says... "Why the long face?"

So this grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "Hey! Your a grasshopper! We have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper says "Oh yeah? You have a drink named Leonard?!"

A Skeleton walks into a bar, asks for a beer... and a mop.

A Doctor made it his regular habit to stop at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the Doctor's drink waiting for him at precisely 5:03 PM. One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The Doctor came in and took a sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"

"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender...

"It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

Two pieces of string walk into a bar. The first one walks up to the bar and says, "Barkeep! Give me a beer!"

The bartender replies, "Well uh..aren't you a piece of string?"

The piece of string answers, "Yeah!"

And the bartender says, "Well get out of here! We don't serve your kind!"

So the first piece of string walks back towards the door. The second piece of string says, "Hey wait, hold on a minute!" "You're not doing it right, watch this." He ties himself in a knot and frizzes out the top of his head. He walks up to the bar and says "Barkeep! Give me a beer!"

The bartender said "Aren't you a piece of string?"

The piece of strings replies, "Nope, I'm afraid not!"

A man walks into a bar pulling a heavy chain. The bartender asks the man what he could get him and why the man was pulling that chain around?

The man answered "HEY!! you ever tried pushing one of these things!!"