At Work

The hotel Astor had hired a new bus driver and instructed him to meet all incoming trains and announce at the depot in a very loud voice, "Free bus to the hotel Astor!" On the way to the station on his first trip he kept repeating to himself, "Free bus to the hotel Astor, Free bus to the hotel Astor," until he memorized it letter perfect. Upon his arrival at the station, however, he became confused at all the noise and hub bub and started shouting as follows.

"Free hotel at the bust your Astor, I mean, Free ass at the Hotel Bastard, I mean, Freeze your ass at the Hotel Buster, I mean Squeeze your bust at the Hotel Faster, I mean, Bust your ass at the Hotel Freezer, Oh shit...take a cab."

Like a lot of young women these days, one of our secretaries had worked long and hard to put her boyfriend through college. After he graduated and passed his bar exam, I asked her if they planned to be married soon.

She looked at me with a big smile and said, "Oh no! Not right away. I want him to practice for at least six months first."

Returning from her vacation, the young secretary was telling anyone who would listen about what a fun time she had. She then asked for two weeks leave in which to get married.

"But you just had two weeks off," said the boss. "Why didn't you get married then ?"

"What and ruin my vacation ?" she whined.

How to Hunt Elephants -- Sales Style
Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint them gray and sell them as "desktop elephants."

How to Hunt Elephants -- QA Style
Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

How to Hunt Elephants -- Senior Manager Style
Senior managers set broad elephant hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

Bob calls in to his job: "Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work."

The boss says: "You know Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that."

2 hours later Bob calls: "Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house."

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful tone. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him," said John.

"I did," said Louise, "You're back at work on Monday."

A man with no ears is trying to find a new reporter for their news show. The first candidate walks in, and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is one thing you notice about me?" The guy says, "Well damn! You got no ears man!" So the boss yells, "Get out!" The second candidate comes in, and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is something you notice about me?" The guy says, "That's easy, you got no ears!" So the boss says, "Get out!" As the second candidate leaves he sees the third candidate about to go in and says, "The boss has no ears so don't say anything about them, cause he is really sensitive about it." So the third candidate goes in and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What do you notice about me?" The guy says, "Your wearing contacts!"

And the boss says, "Yeah, how did you know?" So the guy replies, "Well darn, you can't wear glasses cause you ain't got no ears."

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi . . You know, I just HATE drawing welfare I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur / bodyguard for his 18-year-old nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have an adjoining room. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."