At Work

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.

He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.

He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

• You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
• You find humor in other people's stupidity.
• You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."
• You believe chocolate is a food group.
• You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
• You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.
• You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
• When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.
• You have no life between August to June.
• When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.
• You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
• You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
• You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.
• You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.
• You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.
• You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
• You know you are in for a major project when a parent says "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."
• You want to choke a person when he or she says "Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you."
• Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.
11. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.
12. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
13. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
14. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.
15. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"
16. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.
17. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons
18. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."
19. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."

You know you're too stressed if...

• You can achieve a "Runner's High" by sitting up.
• The Sun is too loud.
• Trees begin to chase you.
• You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
• You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
• You can hear mimes.
• You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
• You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
• Things become "Very Clear."
• You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
• You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
• You begin speaking in a language that only you and Chanelers can understand.
• The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.
• You and Reality file for divorce.
• You can skip without a rope.
• It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
• You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
• You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.
• You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
• You can travel without moving.
• Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
• You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
• Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.
• You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

• They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.
• This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.
• I was working smarter - not harder.
• Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout.
• I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm! This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
• I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
• I'm in the management training program.
• I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP). I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
• This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!
• I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?
• No! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
• The coffee machine is broken.... Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.
• Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off.
• Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!
• I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.
• The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.
• Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.
• I'm just resting my eyes.

• You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell."
• Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, jerk!"
• Your garbage can IS your "in" box.
• You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.
• You have so much on your mind, you've forget often how to think.
• Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through ...er.... Monday.
• You sleep more at work than at home.
• You leave for a party and instinctively take your ID badge.
• Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.
• You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

The top signs that you have a boring job:

• You're introduced to everyone as "The Minesweeper God".
• You have visited every website in the world.
• You're the Spelling Bee Coordinator in rural Alabama.
• You are the only one that is ready for the rush of ticket sales for that New Kids on the Block reunion tour.
• You're able to pull staples out of papers with your teeth.
• Your doctor says that he's never seen someone exposed to so much photocopier radiation in his life.
• You've seen the late night commercial for the Chia Dildo.
• Your workload is so intense that you can write Top 10 lists all day long.
• In your 10 years on the force as an Amish Traffic Cop, you have not had to write one single speeding ticket.

The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary. He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"

The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"