Random joke from this category
There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said:
- I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.
The other cow replies:
- Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks!
A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends visited and asked if the ranch had a name.
"Well," said the would-be cattleman, "I wanted to name it the Bar-J. My wife favored Suzy-Q, one son like the Flying-W, and the other wanted the Lazy-Y. So we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."
"But where are all your cattle?" the friends asked.
"None survived the branding."
Two chickens were talking and one chicken said to the other chicken:
- who is your favorite music composer?
The second chicken responds:
- bach, bach, bach!
There was a man who traveled all around the world. Every city he stopped in he would buy something for his mother and send it to her. On one such stop he found a parrot that spoke thirty different languages. He immediately bought it and sent it home to his mother.
A few days later he calls his mother.
- Did you like the parrot? - he asked her.
- Oh yes - she replied.
- It was delicious.
- WHAT! - the man cried.
- You ate it? That parrot wasn't for you to eat! It spoke thirty languages!
The mother paused for a moment and then said:
- So why didn't he say something?
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them.
The beech says to the birch:
- Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling.
The birch says:
- Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies:
- It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.
Chatting with a bull, a turkey sighed and said:
- I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, but I haven't got the energy.
Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings? - replied the bull.
- They're packed with nutrients.
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, the turkey reached the second branch. Finally, after a week, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey from the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted:
- Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!
The shopkeeper said:
- By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out:
- Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!!!
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.
The man says:
- I'll have a beer - and turns to the ostrich.
- What's yours?
- I'll have a beer too - says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says:
- That will be $3.40 please - and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says:
- I'll have a beer - and the ostrich says:
- I'll have the same.
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
- The usual? - asks the bartender.
- Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch - says the man.
- Same for me - says the ostrich.
- That will be $7.20 - says the bartender.
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer:
- Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?
- Well, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there. - says the man.
- That's brilliant! - says the bartender.
- Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!
- That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there - says the man.
- That's fantastic! - says the bartender.
- You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?
The man replies:
- Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs.
Did you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed into the meat grinder?
→ He got a little behind in his work.
Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist?
→ They fight tooth and nail!
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
→ He sold his soul to Santa.
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
→ He's all right now.
Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug?
→ She had her baby in the spring.
Have you seen Quasimodo?
→ I have a hunch he's back!
How do crazy people go through the forest?
→ They take the psycho path.
How do snakes end a fight?
→ They hiss and make up.
How do you clean ice off tall buildings?
→ With sky scrapers.
How do you get a frog off the back window of your car?
→ Use the rear defrogger.
How do you revive a drowning rodent?
→ Give it mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
→ From a catalog.
How you get down from an elephant?
→ You don't, you get down from ducks.
What city has the largest rodent population?
→ Hamsterdam.
What did God say when Joan of Arc showed up at the Pearly Gates?
→ "Well done."
What did one cloned sheep say to the other?
→ "I am ewe."
What did one magnet say to the other magnet?
→ "I find you very attractive."
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
→ Nothing, they just waved.
What did one potato chip say to the other?
→ Shall we go for a dip?
What did the painter say to the wall?
→ "One more crack and I'll plaster you!"
What do cats like on a hot day?
→ A mice cream cone.
What do cats like on their hot dogs?
→ Mouse-tard.
What do cats like to eat for breakfast?
→ Mice Krispies.
