Random joke from this category
Bill Clinton got off his helicopter in front of the White House with a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said:
- Nice pigs, Sir!
The President replied:
- These are not pigs. They are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea.
The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied:
- Nice trade, Sir!
A man and a woman have just finished shagging when suddenly a bee flies in the bedroom window and zooms straight up the woman's love tunnel.
- Oh God! - she screams.
- Help me! There's a bee up my vagina and it's buzzing around in there (albeit rather pleasurably)!
- Let's go - says her mate, I'll rush you straight to hospital!
On arrival at the emergency room the agitated couple are ushered into a curtained-off area by a male doctor.
- What seems to be the problem? - he asks.
- I've got a frigging bee up my vagina - screams the woman.
- Get it out!
- I see - says the doctor.
- Well, there's only one way to extract this bee. I'm going to have to spread honey on my nob and entice it out.
The doctor gets out his old fella and dunks it in a jar of honey he just happens to have with him. He then mounts the woman and penetrates her with his sticky sweet love stick.
- Just an inch or two should do it - he says.
After a few seconds he slides it in a bit further. After another few seconds he says 'Hmmm, it doesn't seem to be biting. I'll have to go deeper' and slides it in all the way. Suddenly he starts fondling her boobs with his hands, thrusting violently with his hips and moaning with what sounds like pleasure.
- HOLD IT! - says the boyfriend
- What are you doing?
- Change of plans! - shouts the doctor...
- I've decided to drown the little bastard!
A young boy, about eight years old, walks into the local grocery store and picks our a huge box of laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over, and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
- Oh, no laundry - the boy said - I'm going to wash my dog!
- But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
- Oh, he died - the boy said sadly.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added:
- I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog!
- Well - the boy replied - I don't think it was the detergent that killed him.
- Oh? What was it then?
- I think it was the spin cycle!
A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender:
- give us two beers over here!
The bartender walks over and see's the octopus and he says:
- Didn't you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed!
The man say's to the bartender:
- oh but you don't understand this is a special octopus and he can play any musical instrument that you have.
The bartender replied back:
- well I'll tell you what, if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free all night!
The bartender walks up to the band playing and grabs a guitar. He puts it down on the bar.
The octopus crawls up on the bar and feels around the guitar for a little while, then finally he picks it up and starts jamming. He's so good he sounded like Jimi Hendricks!
The bartender was amazed and says:
- alright lets try one more
This time he goes into the back room and brings out a dusty old set of bagpipes and promptly put them on the bar and says:
- lets see him play this!
The octopus starts crawling all over the bagpipes. He continues this for quite awhile.
The bartender shouted out:
- See I knew he couldn't play all these instruments!
And the man replies:
- Just give him a few more minutes...as soon as he figures out he can't have sex with it, he'll play it!
An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.
For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend:
- Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?
- I sure did - responded the pessimist.
- Your dog can't swim!
Two robins were sitting in a tree. - I'm really hungry - said the first one.
- Me, too - said the second.
- Let's fly down and find some lunch.
They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more.
- I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree - said the first one.
- Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun - said the second.
- O.K. - said the first.
They plopped down, basking in the sun.
No sooner had they fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought... are you ready for this...
- I just love baskin' robins!
How do you get holy water?
→ Boil the hell out of it.
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
→ "Dam!"
What do prisoners use to call each other?
→ Cell phones
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
→ A stick
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
→ Nacho cheese
What do you get from a pampered cow?
→ Spoiled milk
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
→ Frostbite
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
→ A pool table.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
→ They're trying to get away from the noise.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
→ The taste.
What is a polygon?
→ A dead parrot.
How do you stop an elephant from charging?
→ Take away its credit cards.
What's the difference between boogers and spinach?
→ You can't get kids to eat spinach.
What did the horse say when he fell?
→ I've fallen and I can't giddy up!
What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public?
→ A private tutor.
What do you call a sleeping cow?
→ A bulldozer.
What do you call a blind deer?
→ No eye deer?
What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
→ Still no eye deer?
What goes tick tick woof woof?
→ A watch dog.
Why is it hard for a ghost to tell a lie?
→ You can see right through him.
What goes vroom screech vroom screech vroom screech?
→ A blonde going through a blinking red light.
Why do farts smell?
→ So deaf people can enjoy them too.
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.
As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.
- Wow, this is great - he thought.
It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
- Hey - he called - I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?
- Yes. Come and join us - they cried.
Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.
- What else do you wild rabbits do? - he asked.
- Well, - one of them said - You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.
This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again:
- What else do you do?
- You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.
The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.
- Is there anything else you guys do? - he asked.
One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.
- There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there - he said, pointing to the far corner of the field.
- They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it.
Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning shagging his little heart out until, completely spent, he staggered back over to the guys.
- That was fantastic - he panted.
- So are you going to live with us then? - one of them asked.
- I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised.
- Why? We thought you liked it here.
- I do - our friend replied. - But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette!
A reporter goes way up into the hills of West Virginia to write an article about the area. He meets an old man in a small town and asks him about any memorable events in his life.
The old man says:
- Well, one time my favorite sheep got lost, so me and my neighbors got some moonshine and went looking for it. We looked and looked and finally found the sheep. Then we drank the moonshine and one by one, started shagging the sheep. It was a lot of fun!
The reporter figured he can't write an article about that, so he asked the old man to tell him another story.
The old man said:
- Well, one time my neighbor's wife got lost, so me and all the village men got some moonshine and went out looking for her. We looked and looked and finally we found her. Then we drank the moonshine and one by one, started shagging the neighbor's wife. Now, THAT was a lot of fun!
The reporter, feeling frustrated, finally told the old man that he couldn't write articles about those stories and asked him if he had any dramatic or sad memories that he could talk about.
The old man paused a little and with a sad expression on his face said:
- Well, one time I was lost ...
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother:
- There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.
- How did you know that? - his mother asked.
- Daddy picked them up and looked underneath - he replied.
- I think it's printed on the bottom!
