Animal Jokes

On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.

He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks:

- And get me a whisky, you cow!

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls:

- And get me another whisky you witch!

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot's approach:

- I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now or I'll kick your ass!

Suddenly, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says...

- For someone who can't fly, you sure are a ballsy bastard!

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
→ To get to the other slide!

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
→ No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
→ Still no eye deer.

What gives milk and has one horn?
→ A milk truck!

Have you ever smelled mothballs????

I was just wondering how you would get their little legs open!!!!

Bits of information to help you through the day:

- If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

- A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)

- Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)

- Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling? And, why isn't the pig included here?)

- The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....)

- The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did the gov't pay for this research??)

- Polar bears are left handed. (I'm sure glad somebody found that out!)

- A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. (So my ex-husband WAS a cockroach after all!)

- The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home! What the....")

- Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig... quality over quantity!)

- Butterflies taste with their feet. (hmmm...chocolate...doh!...not chocolate, not chocolate! BAD DOG!)

- An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

- Starfish don't have any brains. (...and are now employed at JokesGalore.com!)

Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the jerk upside the head.

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, put on their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said:

- OK, lets get out and get him.

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted:

- The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?

The guy in the front says:

- Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but if I were you, I'd brace myself!

I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perch on my window sill.

He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles,
Began to slip away.

He sang of far off places,
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
Brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
And gently lowered the window
And crushed his freakin' head!

The Roadrunner was feeling very amorous one day, and since there were no other female roadrunners around, he decided to look around.

He happened to spot a lovely dove. Bzzzzzz... down he goes and feathers are flying, lots of dust in the air and the dazed dove is lying there with a smile and says:

- I'm a dove and I've been loved!

The Roadrunner is still not satisfied. He spots a Lark flying around and zooms down on her. Again, feathers are flying around and dust is in the air and the dazed Lark is lying there and said:

- I'm a Lark and I've been sparked.

The Roadrunner is still not satisfied and spots a Duck. He zooms down and again feathers are flying and a lot of squawkings and dust flying in the air, and the roadrunner takes off.

The Duck is lying there really pissed off, and says:

- I'm a Drake and there's been a mistake!

The scene is a dark jungle. Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says:

- Hey! Cut it out, all right!

The rear tiger says:

- sorry,

and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says:

- I said stop it!

The rear tiger says:

- sorry,

and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger:

- What is it with you, anyway?

The rear tiger replies:

- Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!