Animal Jokes

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

- Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Viciou Animal - he starts writing in his notebook.

- But I'm not a Giants fan - the little hero replied.

- Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were. - said the reporter and starts again.

- Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack - he continued writing in his notebook.

- I'm not a Jets fan either - the boy said.

- I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for? - the reporter asked.

- I'm a Cowboys fan. - the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:

- Little Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet!

A fireman looked out of the fire house window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had his little red wagon, and he had hung small ladders on the side of it, and coiled the garden hose up in it, and he was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon.

The fireman thought this was really cute so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had.

As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said:

- Son, I don't want to try to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster.

- Maybe so - said the little boy - But then I'd lose my siren!

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked:

- What are you up to there, Johhny?

- Well, my goldfish died - replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up - and I've just buried him.

The neighbour was concerned:

- That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?

Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied...:

- That's because he's inside your cat!

- There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.

- Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods... Cats have never forgotten this.

- Here's proof that Cats are smarter than dogs... You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

- Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later.

- People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life.

- Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God!

- Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel.

- I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.

- My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes.

- Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit!

A guy walked into a pet store looking for a Christmas gift for his wife. The storekeeper said he knew exactly what would please her and took a little bird out of its cage.

- This is Chet - he said.

- and Chet can sing Christmas carols and songs.

Seeing the look of disbelief on the customer's face, he proceeded to demonstrate.

- He needs warming up - he said.

- Lend me your cigarette lighter.

The storekeeper lifted Chet's left wing and waved the flame lightly under it. Immediately, Chet sang: Oh Come, All Ye Faithful.

- That's fantastic - said the customer.

- And listen to this - said the storekeeper, warming Chet's other wing.

Chet sang: O Little Town of Bethlehem.

- Wrap him up - said the customer.

- I'll take him!

When he got home he greeted his wife:

- Honey, I can't wait until Christmas to show you what I got you. This is fantastic.

He unwrapped Chet's cage and showed the bird to his wife.

- Now, watch and listen.

He raised Chet's left wing and held him over a Christmas candle that was burning on the mantlepiece. Chet immediately began to sing Silent Night. The wife was delighted. As Chet's right wing was warmed over the flame, he sang Joy To The World.

- Let me try it - said the wife, seizing he bird. In her eagerness, she held Chet a little too close to the candle flame. Chet began to sing passionately:

- Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire!

What kind of bunny drinks coffee?
→ Mugs bunny!

A Chicken and an Egg were lying in bed one night. The chicken smoking a cigarette with a smug grin on its face, the egg looking thoroughly ticked off.

The egg looks at the chicken and says:

- Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!

There was a farmer. He had alot of chickens but had no roosters. So in order to get eggs he went and got a rooster. The man he got the rooster form told him that the rooster would screw everything in sight. But the farmer wanted the rooster anyway. So he took it home and it screwed all the chickens. After a while it started screwing all the other farm animals. So one day the farmer walked up to the rooster and said, "Ya better stop screwing everything or you will screw yourself to death!" But the rooster just kept on screwing. One day the farmer was walking through the field, and he found the rooster laying on the ground with buzzards flying all around. So he walked up to the rooster and said, "I told you you'd screw yourself to death!" then the rooster opened his eyes and said, "SHUT-UP! I'm trying to get them to land!"

One day, a man went to a nearby farm to buy some of the animals that were for sale there.

He walked up to the farmer and said:

- Hey, that's a nice donkey you got there. I think I'll take it.

The farmer replied:

- That's not a donkey, that's an ass.

So, the man said:

- Okay, then, I'll take the ass. Then he walked over to the chicken coup and said:

- I like that chicken. I'll take it too.

The farmer replied:

- That is a pullet.

So the man said:

- Okay, I'll take the pullet.

He was looking at a rooster and said:

- Well, I guess I'll take the rooster, too.

The farmer replied:

- That's not a rooster, it's a cock.

So they load the pullet and the cock into the back of the man's truck and tie the ass to the back. The man then pays the farmer as the farmer tells him:

- Now, sometimes the ass gets a little stubborn and he stops. All you have to do is get out and scratch his back, and he'll go again.

So the man drives away. All of a sudden, the ass stops, and the pullet and the cock fly out of the back. The man is trying to get them back when a woman comes out and says:

- Can I help you?

The man replies:

- Yeah, could you grab my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?

One day Fred decided he wanted to take up deer hunting. So Fred went to the local sporting goods stored and asked the shopkepper:

- I need a really nice gun to hunt deer with

The shopkeeper gave him a gun and said:

- This gun is perfect for any deer

Taking the gun, and jumping into his Jeep the new hunter went into the woods to search for deer. While looking around for his new sport, he saw nothing. Then, when he was just about ready to give up he saw a Bear in the distance. Not wanting to waste this journey he took aim and, BOOM!! When the smoke cleared to his surprise, no bear.

Suddenly, Fred felt a tap on his shoulder. Turning, he saw the bear.

- What the hell do you think you are doing? - asked the bear.

- I'm sorry, I did mean to, I'll never do it again! - whined Fred.

- Pull down your pants, just so you understand how serious I am - explains the Bear.

Reluctantly, Fred does this and WHAM, the bear screws him up the ass.

All pissed off Fred drives away muttering:

- I'm going to get that fuckin' bear, no fuckin bear is going to that to me.

Fred goes goes bak to the sporting goods store and buys a larger gun, and goes back to the park.

Looking around he finally sees the bear. Picking up his new larger gun, points, and BOOM!

When the smoke clears, no bear. Fred feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around and there's the bear.

- I'm sorry, I'll never do it agian, I promise - screams Fred.

- I thought I told you not to come back here again - exclaims the bear:

- now pull down your pants.

Fred does so and the bear fucks him up the ass again.

Fred gets in his jeep and drives away muttering:

- That's it, I'm going to blow that fuckin bears head clean off

When he gets back to thte sporting goods store he explains to the shopkeeper:

- I want the largest gun you have, the most powerful.

The shopkeepers hands him a gun and says:

- This one is great for hunting elephants, no creature on this planet will live after a shot from this

Fred gets back in his jeep and drives back to the woods. Loooking around he spots the bear again. He aims, pulls the trigger, and BBBOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!

When the smoke clears, no bear. Fred scared now, feels a tap on his shoulder, turning around he sees the bear.

- You're not in this for the sport anymore, are you?