Animal Jokes

These two Polish guys rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They are amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day, so one says to the other:

- We'll have to come back here tomorrow!

The other asks:

- But how will we remember where this spot is?

The first guy then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says:

- We'll just look for this X tomorrow.

The other guy says:

- You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?

An elephant is walking through the jungle when she gets a thorn in her foot. She is in absolute agony until an ant strolls by. So the elephant says:

- Help me, help me.

But the ant refuses unless the elephants agrees to let the ant have his wicked way with her.

Replies the elephant:

- Anything! Anything!

So, out comes the thorn and up gets the ant and proceeds to enjoy himself. Meanwhile, in a tree directly above them, a monkey, who witnessed the whole episode, was in knots of laughter. Consequently he fell out of the tree on top of the elephant.

Says the elephant:

- Ouch!

Says the ant, in his own little frenzy:

- Suffer BITCH, SUFFER!!!

Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephant's backside and force fed it for 2 weeks. But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go.

A week after the experiment had started they began to realize WHY the idea had never been tried: they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out.

One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for another go. When the big day arrived they set up all the monitoring equipment and moved out to a safe distance.

The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer. BBBAAANNNGGG!!!!!!!

The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit, the second (2 miles away) was up to his knees and the first (1 mile away) was up to his waist. When the others joined the scientist who was 1 mile away they noticed that he was in fits of laughter.

- What the %$*& is so funny? - asked one of the scientist.

- You should have seen the monkey's face trying to get the cork back in!!!

A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked:

- Hey! What do you have in the bag?

The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag.

His friend says:

- Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one.

The man says:

- I'll tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them.

One afternoon, there was this good witch who was flying along, when all of a sudden, she heard this soft crying from down below. When she landed, she saw this yellow frog. Touched by his sadness, the witch asked why he was crying.

- Sniff. None of the other frogs will let me join in all their frog games. Boo hoo.

- Don't cry, little one. - replied the witch, and with a wave of her magic wand, the frog turned green. All happy now, the frog was checking himself over when he noticed that his penis was still yellow. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard, he'd fix things up for him.

So happily, the little green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way. Feeling quite pleased with herself, the witch once more took to the skies, and once again, she heard some crying, but this time of a thunderous sort. So down to the ground she flew only to discover a pink elephant.

The witch asked him why he was crying.

- Sniff. None of the other elephants will let me join in all their elephant games. Boo hoo.

Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic looking sight, but a PINK elephant crying is just downright heart-breaking, and that is just how the witch felt. So once again, she waved her magic wand, and POOF, the elephant was all grey.

All happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he noticed that his penis was still pink. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him. At this point, the elephant just started wailing.

- I don't know where the wizard is - he sobbed.

- Oh that's easy. Just follow the yellow pricked toad - said the good witch.

What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
→ Optimistic!

What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
→ Free Parking.

What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
→ Sole use of the elevator.

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
→ You walk him and pitch to the Zebra!

How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
→ It's bike is outside.

How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
→ There is a dent in the cross-bar.

How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
→ Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.

Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
→ To sneak across a pool table without being seen.

How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
→ A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
→ Bloody great holes all over Australia.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
→ Elephino.

How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
→ Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Why do elephants wear sandals?
→ So that they don't sink in the sand.

Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
→ To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.

What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?
→ They're all on the same team.

How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you?
→ She has a big 'E' on her pajama jacket pocket.

Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
→ Because they might let down their trunks.

Why do elephants have four feet?
→ Because lady elephants have big twats.

What do elephants use for tampons?
→ Sheep.

What do elephants use for condoms?
→ Snakes.

What do elephants use for vibrators?
→ Epileptic pigmies.

Why do elephants have long trunks?
→ 'Cos sheep don't have strings.

How do you know when an elephant has its period?
→ There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.

What is an elephant's sex organ?
→ His foot... If he steps on you you're FUCKED!

What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
→ A pachydermatologist.

How do you stop an elephant from charging?
→ Take away his credit card.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
→ A two-ton pickup.

What did the female elephant say during sex?
→

- Can I be on top this time?

What did the elephant say to the nude man?
→ Cute, but can you breathe through it?

Why do elephants have trunks?
→ Because they would look silly with glove compartments.

What do you do when you come across an elephant?
→ Wipe it off!

Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?
→ None of the offspring survived.

How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying down in tall grass?
→ VERY attractive.

How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in you're yard?
→ The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag!

What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
→ Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).

What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
→ He stamped it to death and then said:

- Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?
→ Cosine (Theta) Note: Assumes |elephant| |grape| 1

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?
→ Zero - a mountain climber is a scaler.

What do you give a seasick elephant?
→ Lots of room.

What's grey and comes in quarts?
→ An elephant.

What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
→ Swim for your life!!

Why do elephants lay on their backs?
→ To trip low flying canaries.

Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass?
→ He wasn't laying on his back.

Why do elephants have Big Ears?
→ Because Noddy won't pay the ransom. (Noddy is children's storybook character)

Why don't you go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am?
→ Because the elephants are jumping from the trees.

Why are pygmies so short?
→ Because the go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am.

Whats that red stuff between elephants toes?
→ Slow pygmies.

How to communicate with a fish?
→ Drop him a line!

A preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in a race. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured, however, that since he had it he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, in the first race his mule came in second. The next day the racing sheets carried this headline:

PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased that he entered the mule in another race. This time it won and the paper said:

PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The new headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher gave it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day said:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who would take it off her hands for $10.00. The paper said:

NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS...

They buried the bishop the next day.