Random joke from this category
Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side.
So... the one flies over and the other one swims through-which one gets to the worm first?
The one who swam, of course, because:
- Da oily boid gets da woim.
How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive"?
- Olive ?
- Yeah, you know:
- Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names
How do you catch a polar bear?
→ You dig a hole in the ice and place peas all around it, and when the polar bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole!
Why do birds fly south for the winter?
→ Because it's too far to walk!
What did the raccoon say in his will?
→ "Leave it to Beaver."
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts:
- Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!
The panda yells back at the bartender:
- Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:
- A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish.
A man was walking by and said:
- WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!
The sister said:
- Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain.
The man said:
- But that's the SPECIES of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish.
The sister said:
- Oh, ok.
The Sister took the fish back home and said:
- Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught.
Shocked, the Mother Superior said:
- Sister, you know better than that.
The nun said:
- That's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish.
So the Mother Superior said:
- Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it.
While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said:
- Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught.
Nearly fainting, Monsignor said:
- Mother Superior, you shouldn't talk like that!
Mother Superior said:
- But that's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish.
Monsignor said:
- Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it.
That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said:
- Wow, what a nice fish.
In reply, the sister said:
- Thank-you, I caught the Gauddam Fish.
And Mother Superior said:
- I cleaned the Gauddam Fish.
And Monsignor said:
- I cooked the Gauddam Fish.
The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said...
- I LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE ALREADY!
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him:
- You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.
The frog is thrilled:
- This is great!
- Will I meet her at a party? - he croaks.
- No, - says the psychic - in biology class.
There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.
The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said:
- Mmmmm, I smell sausage.
The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said:
- Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes.
The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles.
The baby mole said:
- The only thing I can smell is molasses!
A zebra dies goes to heaven. When checking in, he tells St. Peter:
- Say, I have always wanted to know if I am white with black stripes or black with white stripes.
St. Peter:
- I can't answer that question...but see God walking around over there? Ask him. - Zebra to God:
- God, am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes?
God looks at the zebra sagely and states:
- You are what you are.
Frustrated, the zebra returns to St. Peter.
- What did He say - asks S.P.
- Oh - replies the zebra:
- He just said, 'You are what you are,' and I still don't know whether I'm black with white stripes or white with black stripes.
- Oh, that's easy - says S.P.:
- You are white with black stripes.
- How do you know? - asks the zebra:
- Well - says S.P.:
- if you were black with white stripes he would have said 'you is what you is.'
