Random joke from this category
Who needs a man!...
My dog growls at me every morning, my parrot swears all afternoon, my fireplace smokes a lot, my cat slinks home in the early morning hours, and I have a physician who looks me over regularly.
What is the difference between a vulture and your mother-in-law?
→ Vultures wait until your dead to pick on you.
A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.
A farmer replied:
- Joe's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died.
- Well - replied the man.
- she must have had a lot of friends.
- Nope - said the farmer.
- we all just want to buy his mule.
There was an American on a buisness trip in England. He got on a train, and was unable to find a seat. The man walked up and down the different cars until he discovered that an old lady's tiny dog was taking up a whole seat.
So he said to the lady:
- Hey, you think you could move your dog? I can't find a seat.
Now this wasn't a nice lady, so she replied:
- You rude American! My little poodles needs somewhere to be!
So the man walked up and down the cars again, looking for somewhere to sit. He came back to the lady and the dog:
- Look lady, I need somewhere to sit. Can you please put your dog on your lap?
Of course, the woman's reply was about the same as the first one:
- You again?! Go away you rude man, don't bother my poodles!
So for the last time the man searched for a seat as the train started. He came back to the woman angrily:
- Move your mutt lady!
The woman went into a fit of frustration, scolding the man like a child.
Finally he'd had enough and grabbed the dog and threw it out the window. The woman sat in disbelief until the man accross the isle said:
- You damn Americans, you do everything wrong!
- You drive on the wrong side of the road, you eat with the fork in the wrong hand, and NOW YOU THROW THE WRONG BITCH OUT THE WINDOW!
A little boy was visiting his grandparents on their farm and became attached to one of the kittens. This kitten, having no road sense, was killed by a passing car right in front of the little boy. The grandfather buried the kitten behind the barn, and the grandmother distracted the boy by giving him cookies and milk. While the little boy was eating, the following conversation took place.
- Grandma, what happened to the kitten?
- It was killed by a car. The kitten is dead.
- Where does a kitten go when it dies?
- God takes the kitten to heaven.
The little boy took another bite of cookie and then said:
- But, Grandma, what does God want with a dead kitten?
What do you call an Eagle Scout with a crew cut?
→ A bald eagle!
How are a husband and a cat similar when it comes to housework?
→ They're both afraid of the vacuum cleaner.
Two men are in a bar are boasting about their prowess and one of them says:
- My cock is longer than that cat's tail.
A bet is made, the bartender supplies a ruler, and the cat is roused and measured.
But when the bartender begins the second measurement, the stud says:
- Just a moment! Where did you measure that cat's tail from?
- From the asshole. - says the bartender.
- Well, kindly do me the same favor.
Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are man's best friend. So which is the dumber sex?
Why are men endowed with a half ounce more brains than dogs?
→ So they know not to embarrass themselves by humping women's knees at parties.
