Animal Jokes

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat.

The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price.

- Twelve dollars for the rat, sir - says the shop owner.

- and an extra thousand dollars more for the story behind it.

- You can keep the story, old man - he replies.

- but, I'll take the rat.

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.

Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars....following him.

Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can throw it.

Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

- Ah sir, you've come back for the rest of the story - says the owner.

- No - says the tourist.

- I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a lawyer!

A person wanted a parrot who talked. Going to the pet store, this lover of talking parrots asked if there was a bird who was already speaking.

- Yes - the pet store owner said.

- this bird has a vocabulary of about 1000 words plus 50 phrases guaranteed to fit most occasions.

The deal was made and the parrot was brought home complete with a cage. The next day the purchaser went back and said the parrot had yet to say a word.

- That's to be expected - said the pet shop owner.

- Try getting the bird a few of the toys that were here for the bird to use in the shop. It just needs to feel at home with you.

Toys were purchased and a day went by. The parrot's owner returned and said there still had been no talking.

- I see - said the pet shop owner.

- Perhaps if you got a bird bath, the parrot would start to talk while using it.

A bird bath was purchased and yet another day went by. The next day the owner was back with the same complaint. This time the pet shop owner mentioned that sometimes the bird had been praised in its training by being allowed to ring a little bell.

The parrot's owner bought the bell reluctantly. The following day the parrot's owner was there waiting as the store opened.

- Still no luck? - asked the store owner.

- No. Nothing said yet - answered the bird's owner.

- Well, I bet the bird's just lonesome for some of the birds here at the shop.

- What? You want me to buy another bird!?! - yelped the unhappy owner of the parrot.

- No, no, calm down - reassured the store owner.

- All you have to do is get a mirror and the bird will think it has a companion.

At last the sale of a mirror was agreed upon. The pet store owner the next day opened the store and found the troublesome customer had returned ... this time with the parrot, only it was dead!

- What happened? - asked the store owner.

- Didn't the bird ever talk?

- Yes, right before it died it said: What's the matter? Don't they sell birdseed at the pet store anymore?

- Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?

- Shhh, doctor! My dog's outside in the waiting room!

A man swallowed a mouse while sleeping on the couch one day. His wife quickly called the doctor and said:

- Doctor, please come quickly. My husband just swallowed a mouse and he's gagging and thrashing about.

- I'll be right over - the doctor said.

- In the meantime, keep waving a piece of cheese over his mouth to try to attract the mouse up and out of there.

When the doctor arrived, he saw the wife waving a piece of smoked herring over her husband's mouth.

- Uhh, I told you to use cheese, not herring, to lure the mouse.

- I know, doc - she replied.

- but first I've got to get the darn cat out of him!

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:

- Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said:

- There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down.

There was a country doctor who was the only doctor for miles around. He wanted to go on a fishing trip so he called the vet and asked him to look after things while he was gone.

The vet asked:

- Is anything happening?

The doctor replied:

- Mrs. Jones is about due, but I don't think the baby will come before I get back. Anyway, if it does, just deliver it. This is her third and the first two went really easily.

The vet said:

- okay

and the doctor went on the fishing trip.

When he returned, he called the vet.

- How did things go while I was gone?

- Pretty good.

- Did Mrs. Jones have her baby?

- Yes, it was a 8 pound boy. Everyone's doing fine.

- Did you have any trouble?

- Well, there was just one little problem.

- What was that?

- I had a terrible time getting her to eat the afterbirth!

A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis.

Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth.

The girl was startled and exclaimed:

- What was that?

Suddenly, the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared.

The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said:

- I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... Can you do that again?

With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied:

- Honey, I'd like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!

There was this city doctor who started a practice in the countryside. He once had to go to a farm to attend to a sick farmer who lived there. After a few housecalls he stopped coming to the farm.

The puzzled farmer finally phoned him to ask whats the matter, didn't he like him or somethin'.

The doctor replied:

- No, its your ducks at the entrance... Every time I enter the farm, they insult me!

Did you hear about the doctor who had his license taken away because he was having affairs with his patients?
→ Yup, it's a shame because he was one of the top veterinarians in the country!

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck...it's probably a duck," and shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.

The next bird flies overhead and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.

A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."