Random joke from this category
A duck walks into a drugstore and says to the pharmacist:
- Gimme a chap stick.
The pharmacist asks the duck:
- Will that be cash or charge?
The duck replies:
- Just put it on my bill.
The next day, the duck goes back to the drugstore and says to the clerk:
- Give me a box of condoms.
The clerk says:
- Do you want me to also put them on your bill?
The duck says:
- Hell no, I'm not that kind of duck!
- Psychiatrist: What is your problem?
- Patient: I think I'm a chicken.
- Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
- Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
- Psychiatrist: What is wrong with your brother?
- Sister: He thinks he's a chicken.
- Psychiatrist: How long has be been acting like a chicken?
- Sister: Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.
At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.
The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests.
Asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained:
- I was just trying to be a good ring bear.
A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse stumbles and jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes and says:
- That's one.
The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.
A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states:
- That's two!
He returns to his saddle and they move on.
As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "That's three," removes a pistol from his vest, and shoots the horse dead.
The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband:
- That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!
The man stares at his wife and firmly says:
- That's one!
Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter that was single.
One day he decides to throw a huge party, during the party he announces:
- My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give 1 million dollars or my daughter to the man that can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!
As soon as he finished his last word there was the sound of a large splash! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all his might, the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed, he said:
- My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain, which do you want my daughter or the 1 million dollars?
The guy says:
- Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!
One day there was a little puppy dog laying beside one of the rails on a railroad track.
He fell asleep, and while he was sleeping his tail ended up on the rail, and by that time a train came along and cut off his tail, he look around to see what happen and the train cut off his head.
Do you know what the moral of the story is?
Dont lose your head over a little piece of tail !!
A Jehovah's Witness knocked on the front door of a home, and heard a faint, high pitched, "Come In". He tried the door and it was locked, so he went around to the back door.
He knocked again and heard again the high pitched "Come In". As he entered the kitchen a large, mean, snarling Doberman met him. As he plastered himself against the wall he called out for help. Again, he heard the "Come In".
He slid down the wall to the living room to see a parrot in cage. He said:
- For Pete's sake, is that all you can say is 'Come In'?!
The parrot laughed and said:
- Sic him!
Watching her mother as she tried on her new mink coat, the daughter protested:
- Mom, do you realize some poor, dumb beast suffered so you could have that coat?
Her mother glared back at her and said:
- Don't talk about your father that way!
The next door neighbor of a middle-aged wife came over to inform her that her retired husband was chasing around after young prostitutes.
The woman smiled:
- So what?
The neighbor was surprised:
- It doesn't bother you that he's running around with those women?
The woman replied:
- I also have a little dog who chases cars and buses, too.
