Animal Jokes

What's invisible & smells like carrots?
→ Bunny Farts!

Donald Duck walked into a drugstore & asked for a packet of condoms.

- Certainly, sir - said the lady behind the counter, shall I put them on your bill?

- NO WAY! - replied Donald Duck, What do you think I am, a Dickhead?!

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.

He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts:

- Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!

The panda yells back at the bartender:

- Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

- A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

Ever walk into a room and forget what you came in for?

Well, that's probably how dogs spend most of their lives...

A Pastor was walking past a pet shop one day when he noticed a sign in the window:

- Christian Horse for Sale.

Being that the Pastor owned a large ranch, he was immediately interested, and went into the shop.

The owner took the Pastor out to the back, where he saw a beautiful Arabian stallion. He agreed to allow the Pastor to take a "test run."

The Pastor grabbed the reins.

- giddyap.

The horse ignored him.

- no, no - counseled the owner.

- This is a Christian horse. If you want him to move, you must say, "Praise the Lord!"

The Pastor did as he was told, and the horse started off on a leisurely walk. However, he soon found that the horse would not stop.

- He won't answer to 'Whoa' - said the owner.

- It's "Amen."

The Pastor decided that he liked the horse, so he bought him and took him home to his ranch in the country. He saddled the horse up again, said:

- Praise the Lord - and went riding into the countryside.

Suddenly, the horse saw a rattlesnake crossing the path. Frightened, he reared and bolted straight for a cliff.

The Pastor cried:

- whoa!

but the horse only ran faster. In vain, he tried one word after another. Finally, he remembered the correct command and screamed:

- AMEN!!!!!

just as the horse approached the edge of the cliff.

The Pastor was so thrilled that his life had been saved that he raised his hands to the sky and shouted:

- PRAISE THE LORD!

What has four legs and an arm?
→ A happy pit bull.

Why is there only one Yogi Bear?
→ Because when they tried to make another one, they made a Boo-Boo.

Why did the gum cross the road?
→ It was stuck to the chickens foot!

Whales are mammals. Mammals have hair. SHAVE THE WHALES!

Why do Walruses go to Tupperware parties?
→ To find a tight Seal.