Animal Jokes

Why did the hamster cross the road?
→ Because it was stuck in the Chicken's ass!

A robber was shinning his torch around at some objects.

- Jesus is watching you - a voice said

- Huh?, oh well - the robber said and continued shinning his torch.

- Jesus is watching you - the voice continued.

The robber shined his torch to were the voice came from and found a parrot.

- Oh, it's you - the robber said.

- I'm just trying to warn you - the parrot said.

- Oh, that's nice - the robber said, pretending to be scared:

- what's your name?

- Moses.

- Moses? What kind of idiot would call a parrot Moses?

- The same kind of idiot that would call a rottweiler Jesus!

How do you tell one end of a worm from the other?
→ Put it in a bowl of flour and wait for it to fart.

What is black and white and red all over?
→ A panda bear with diaper rash!

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
→ Two...but I don't know how they'd get in there!

A grasshopper walks into a bar and says:

- Bartender, give me a drink.

The bartender can't believe his eyes and says:

- Oh my Gosh, I can't believe this, you're a talking grasshopper!

- Do you know we have drink named after you?

The Grasshopper replies:

- You have a drink named Steve?

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale:

- Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female:

- lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

- Look - she said.

- I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!

Little farmboy comes in late for school. Teacher asks why he's late. Farmboy replies that he had to take the family cow over to the neighbour's to get her bred by a bull.

Annoyed, teacher demands:

- Can't your father do that?

Little farm boy thinks for a moment: replies:

- Well, sure... but the bull can do it better.

There's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like an old salt, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and the bird's foul mouth is driving him nuts.

One day, it just gets to be too much and the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells:

- QUIT IT!

But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets angry and says:

- OK for you

and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird meekly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says:

- Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.

The man is astounded and amazed at the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says:

- By the way, what did the CHICKEN DO?

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
→ A carrot! (boom tish!!)