Newest jokes

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically:

- What's the matter?

The blonde replies:

- Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.

- I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest.

The blonde very calmly explains:

- No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual.

- If you need anything, just let me know - he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks:

- Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?

- No - replies the blonde.

- I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said:

- Wow, these seats are big!

The person next to him answered:

- Everything is big in Texas.

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed:

- Wow these mugs are big!

The bartender replied:

- Everything is big in Texas.

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied:

- Second door to the right.

The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting:

- Don't flush, don't flush!

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:

- I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.

- But how do you know when you are going to land? - he was asked.

- I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground - he answered.

- But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground? - he was again asked. He quickly answered:

- Oh, the dog's leash goes slack.

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

Why don't blind people skydive?
→ It scares the heck out of the dog.

One day two blind men started fighting.

Pretty soon a crowd surrounded them.

Then one of the members of the crowd yelled out:

- I bet 10 bucks on the one with the knife.

Both men ran away.

- First boy: Are you having a party for your birthday?

- Second boy: No, I'm having a witch do.

- First boy: What's a witch do?

- Second boy: She flies around on a broomstick casting spells.

Johnny was racing around the garden on his new bicycle and called out to his mother to watch his tricks:

- Look, Mum! No hands! Look, Mum! No feet! Waaah! Look, Mum! No teeth!

- That's an excellent essay for someone your age - said the English teacher.

- How about for someone my Mum's age, Miss?

- Welcome to school, Simon - said the nursery school teacher to the new boy.

- How old are you?

- I'm not old - said Simon.

- I'm nearly new.

Miss Jones agreed to be interviewed by Fred for the school magazine.

- How old are you, ma'am? - asked Fred.

- I'm not going to tell you that - she replied.

- But Mr Hill the technical teacher and Mr Hill the geography teacher told me how old they were.

- Oh well - said Miss Jones.

- I'm the same age as both of them.

The poor teacher was not happy when she saw what Fred wrote:
Miss Jones, our English teacher, confided in me that she was as old as the Hills.

- Now remember, boys and girls - said the science teacher.

- you can tell a tree's age by counting the rings in a cross section. One ring for each year.

Fred went home for tea and found a chocolate roll on the table.

- I'm not eating that, Mum! - she said.

- It's five years old.

- Grandma: You've left all your crusts, Fred. When I was your age I ate every one.

- Fred: Do you still like crusts, Grandma?

- Grandma: Yes, I do.

- Fred: Well, you can have mine.

- How old is your wife?

- Approaching forty.

- From which direction?

An eminent old man was being interviewed, and was asked if it was correct that he had just celebrated his ninety-ninth birthday.

- That's right - said the old man.

- Ninety-nine years old, and I haven't an enemy in the world. They're all dead.

- Well, sir - said the interviewer.

- I hope very much to have the honour of interviewing you on your hundredth birthday.

The old man looked at the young man closely, and said:

- I can't see why you shouldn't. You look fit and healthy to me!

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks:

- I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.

Well, you can imagine her disappointment.

The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything.

She says:

- Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?

He replies:

- You didn't use what I got you last year!