The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated:
- I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you.
- Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone.
Did you hear the new penalty for speeding in Illinois?
→ The first offense they give you Bears tickets and the second offense they make you use them.
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
- You aren't so good in bed either! - he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
- What took you so long to answer?
- I was in bed.
- What were you doing in bed this late?
- Getting a second opinion.
A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.
Staring down from the bench to announce the terms of the divorce decree, the judge turned to the husband and said:
- I'm going to award her alimony in the amount of $250 a month.
To which the woman's about-to-be ex replied:
- That's mighty kind of you, judge. I'll try to help her all I can, too.
Regardless of what you may hear, there's still many women these days who are excellent "housekeepers". Seems each time they get a divorce, they keep the house.
Two men are talking. The first sez:
- I got married because I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry and wearing shabby clothes.
- Amazing - said the second
- I just got divorced for the very same reasons.
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked:
- What are the grounds for your divorce?
She replied:
- About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.
- No - he said
- I mean what is the foundation of this case?
- It is made of concrete, brick and mortar - she responded.
- I mean - he continued
- What are your relations like?
- I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents.
He said:
- Do you have a real grudge?
- No - she replied
- We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.
- Please - he tried again
- is there any infidelity in your marriage?
- Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.
- Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?
- Yes - she responded
- about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked:
- Lady, why do you want a divorce?
- Oh, I don't want a divorce - she replied.
- I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!
What's the ultimate rejection?
→ When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
What's the speed limit of sex?
→ 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
