The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.
- Private - the officer said
- I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses.
- Warehouses? - the private shouted.
- I thought you said whorehouses!
Two Marines were sitting around talking one day.
The first Marine asked the second Marine:
- If they were to drop a bomb right now, what would be the first thing you would do?
The second Marine said:
- I would screw the first thing that moved. What would you do?
The first Marine replied:
- I would stand very still for half an hour.
An old man approaches the window of a cinema with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies:
- Well, my pet chicken, of course!
- I'm sorry, - The girl tells him.
- We can't allow animals in the cinema.
The man goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his trousers. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the cinema, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so the chicken can stick it's head out and watch the film. Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified.
She elbows her friend Agnes and whispers:
- Agnes, this man over here has just unzipped his trousers!
Agnes whispers back:
- Oh, don't worry about it...you've seen one, you've seen them all.
Madge says:
- I KNOW...but this one's eating my POPCORN!!
What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode?
→ What a lavaly day!
What's green and purple and goes up and down?
→ Barney in an elevator.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow?
→ Down in the mouth!
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars?
→ Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
Why doesn't the dinosaur cross the road anymore?
→ Because their eggs stink. (They're extinct)
A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said:
- I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.
- You're a brave man, - said the dentist.
- Now, show me which tooth it is.
The husband turns to his wife and says:
- Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.
- I came in to make an appointment with the dentist. - said the man to the receptionist.
- I'm sorry sir. - she replied.
- He's out right now, but...
- Thank you, - interrupted the obviously nervous prospective patient.
- When will he be out again?
