Newest jokes

- You know an ancestor of mine came over on the Mayflower.

- Really? Which rat was he?

What did General Patton do on Thanksgiving?
→ He gave tanks.

What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
→ They were all born on holidays.

- Woman: Why are you begging for a quarter?

- Beggar: I didn't think someone like you would give me a dollar.

two mates at a pub having a beer when the bald one starts complaining about being bald. the other guy says to have a transplant operation. the bald guy says he cant afford it. so his mate says to go and have some rabbits tattooed on his head. The bald guy says how will that help? His mate says well from a distance they will look like hares. (hairs)

A little girl climbed into her grandfather's lap and studied his white, balding head. She ran her fingers along the deep wrinkles and road mapped his face and neck.

- Did god make you? - she asked.

- yes - he answered.

- did god makeme, to? - she wondered.

- yes - he replied.

- well, she shrugged - don't you think he's doing a better job now than he used to?

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.

- I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade - he said.

- I'll be back in a few minutes.

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said:

- Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you.

- That wasn't my daddy - said the boy.

- He just walked up, took me by the hand and said:

- Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!

A man enters a barber shop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

- I have just the thing - says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.

- Just place this between your cheek and gum.

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech:

- And what if I swallow it?

- No problem - says the barber.

- Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.

What did the really ugly man do for a living?
→ He posed for Halloween masks.

What happened to the girl who wore a mouse costume to her Halloween party?
→ The cat ate her.