Newest jokes

- Witch: Doctor, doctor, I don't feel well.

- Doctor: Don't worry, you'll just have to go to bed for a spell.

- Doctor, doctor, I keep dreaming there are great, gooey, bug-eyed monsters playing tiddley winks under my bed. What shall I do?

- Hide the tiddley winks.

- Doctor, doctor, I'm having difficulty sleeping.

- Doctor: Well maybe it's your bed.

- Oh, I'm all right at night, it's in the day I have problems.

- Monster: I'm so ugly.

- Ghost: It's not that bad!

- Monster: It is! When my grandfather was born they passed out cigars. When my father was born they just passed out cigarettes. When I was born they simply passed out.

- Last night I dreamt I was dancing with the most beautiful girl in the world

- What was I wearing?

- My boyfriend thinks I'm beautiful

- Well they do say that love is blind!

- Your ugly.

- And you're drunk.

- Yes, but in the morning I'll be sober!

- I don't think these photographs you've taken do me justice.

- You don't want justice - you want mercy!

What did the really ugly man do for a living?
→ He posed for Halloween masks!

I can't understand why people say my girlfriend's legs look like matchsticks. They do look like sticks - but they certainly don't match.