Newest jokes

A husband and wife were in their back yard, and he was noticing her expanding backside. He commented:

- Boy, your ass is getting big. Almost as big as the gas grill here.

She angrily stomped across the yard, and he followed saying:

- Yep, that thing is getting huge.

At this, the wife retreated to the far side of the yard. Soon he approached with a tape measure, acquired the width, and exclaimed:

- It IS as big as the gas grill!

Later that night when they were in bed, the husband started making moves on his wife. She just turned away.

- C'mon, honey, - he said.

- what's wrong?

Her cold reply was:

- I'm not firing up this grill for just one little weiner!

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor:

- Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.

- Well, - the doctor replied.

- go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness.

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says:

- Honey, what's for dinner?

He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again:

- Honey, what's for dinner?

She replies:

- For the fourth time, vegetable stew!

- Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

- Witness: Where am I Cathy?

- Attorney: And why did that upset you?

- Witness: Because my name is Susan.

I overheard a friend telling his pal:

- I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning.

- What is she doing? - the pal asks.

- Waiting for me to get home.

The Yuppie showered a Yuppette with gifts for over a month. He took her to fancy restaurants and expensive resorts. Finally, he proposed:

- Bernie, if you will marry me, I have enough money to provide you with anything your little heart desires.

- Sorry John. - she replied.

- I'm not ready to settle down yet. And besides, you can't buy my love, but if the price is right, I might see my way clear to rent you some.

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most:

- When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said...

- let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down.

A couple just moved into hotel. And the hotel clerk asks the man after helping him with his luggage.

- Anything else?

- NO, thanks.

- Maybe, your wife needs something?

- Oh, yeah. Thank you for your reminder. Do you sell greeting cards?

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says:

- Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?

The third fellow says:

- I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.

The first two guys were amazed.

- What happened then? - they asked.

- She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'.

A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart.

His wife wakes up and asks:

- What the hell was that?

He replies:

- Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing.

She thinks to herself:

- I'm gonna fix him.

Then she lets one loose.

He yells at her:

- What was that?

She replies:

- Touchdown, tie score.

Now he thinks:

- I'm gonna fix her.

He's laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he shits in bed.

The wife asks:

- Now what the hell was that?

He replied:

- Half time, switch sides.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

- Hurry - she said.

- Stand in the corner.

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

- Don't move until I tell you to. - she whispered.

- Just pretend you're a statue.

- What's this, honey? - the husband asked as he entered the room.

- Oh, it's just a statue. - she replied nonchalantly.

- The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us too.

No more was said about the "statue."

Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

- Here. - he said to the 'statue.'

- Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water.