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What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
→ Nothing, you told her twice.

A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop rather intimidated, but the girls took charge to help him.

- What color? - they asked.

He settled for white.

- How much does it cost? - he asked.

- Twenty dollars.

- Very good - he thought.

All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea.

- Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?

- No - he said - nothing like that.

- Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles.

He thought long and hard and then looked up and said:

- Have you ever seen a Spaniel's ears?

A man and wife entered a dentist's office.

The Wife said:

- I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.

You're a brave woman said the dentist. Now, show me which tooth it is.

The wife turns to her husband and says:

- Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.

John receives a phone call.

- Hello - he answers.

The voice on the other end says:

- This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago.

- John: Hmm... Susan? about 3 months ago?

- Susan: Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport.

- John: Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?

- Susan: I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself.

- John: Say, you ARE a good sport.

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.

- Excuse me - our man stammered - but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is.

- Yeah? So? - his hulking neighbor replied.

- Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts.

The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.

- OK - the husband says gruffly - for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's tits.

At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.

- Well, come on already, kiss 'em! - he growls.

- I can't - replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.

- Why not? - demands the husband, getting really angry now.

- I don't have ten thousand dollars.

Bill and Bob met at the club for their weekly golf game.

And for the third week in a row, it was raining too hard to play.

- Bill: Well, Bob, what do you want to do now?

- Bob: Darts?

- Bill: Nah.

- Bob: Shoot some pool?

- Bill: Nah.

- Bob: Cards?

- Bill: Nah. Hey, I've got an idea. We can go over to my house and fool around with my wife.

- Bob: Whadaya mean?

- Bill: Just what I said. We'll go to my house and we can fool around with my wife.

- Bob: What about me?

- Bill: She's a sport. She won't mind at all.

- Bob: Well... if you think it's okay...

- Bill: Sure. C'mon, let's go!

At Bill's house

- Bill: Honey, I'm home. Honey. Sweetheart! Damn! She must have gone shopping. Tell ya what, Bob. Let's go to your house!

- Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it?

- Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

- She: What do you love most, my natural beauty or my body?

- He: Your sense of humor.

- She: What do you love most, my natural beauty or my body?

- He: Your sense of humor.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent.
Wedding cake!