Newest jokes

Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.

- What's bothering you so, dear? - inquired Farther O'Grady.

- Oh, father, I've got terrible news. - Replied Mary.

- Well what is it, Mary?

- Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father.

- Oh, Mary - said the father - that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?

- Well, yes he did father - replied Mary.

- What did he ask, Mary?

Mary replied:

- He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'

A farmer and his girlfriend were out for a stroll in the fields when they came across a cow and a calf rubbing noses.

- Boy - said the farmer - that sure makes me want to do the same.

- Well, go ahead - said his girlfriend - It's your cow.

Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said:

- I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.

He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back, explaining:

- I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them.

The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back.

He smiled sheepishly and said:

- Small World!

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Does your wife ever ... well, you know ... does she ... well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two. "Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's into the dog trick aspect of it." "Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?" "Well... not exactly. More like she rolls over and plays dead."

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife about the problem. She responds:

- My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires:

- Is that true?

The husband replies:

- Well not exactly, she's the one that suffers, not me.

A young couple were married and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.

He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared and she asked shyly:

- What's that?

pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said:

- Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night.

And she, in amazement, asked:

- Is that all we have left?

The room was full of pregnant ladies and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced:

- Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

- Yes - replied the teacher.

- Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?

What does a woman do to her asshole in the morning?
→ Sends him to work.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said:

- If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.

1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.
2. At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
3. For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.
4. Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.

- You're going to die - she replied.

I got home from work last night and said to my wife:

- You are a one

She said:

- What do you mean, I am a one?

I said:

- If Bo Derek's a ten, you're a one.