On a first date, a guy escorts a girl home and asks:
- Guy: Can I come up for a cup of coffee?
- Girl: Actually, I never invite guys over on a first date.
The guy thinks for a minute and says: Well, what about the last date?
A man sat quietly reading his morning paper one Sunday morning. Suddenly, he is knocked almost senseless by his wife, who stands behind him holding a frying pan in hand.
- Man: What was that for?
- Wife: Why do you have a piece of paper in your pocket with "Daisy" written on it?
- Man: Oh honey, don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of the horse I bet on.
The wife was satisfied, and appologized for bonking him.
Three days later he is again sitting reading the paper when once again he is bonked on the head.
- Man: What's that for this time?
- Wife: Your horse called.
My mother-in-law is like a fine French Impressionist painting.
She's very lovely, but is best appreciated at a distance.
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained:
- I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.
- Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH! - she screamed.
- Funny - he muttered.
- you even sound exactly like her.
- Doctor - the embarrassed man said.
- I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
- Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. The medic said:
- Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas.
- Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on.
The doctor took the husband aside. - You're in perfect health - he said.
- Your wife didn't give me an erection either.
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife:
- Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But,.. I must know, did he have a different father?...
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed:
- Yes. Yes he did...
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks:
- Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?...
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says:
- You.
Bob stood over his tee short on the 18th hole for what seemed like forever. He'd waggle, look down, look up, but never start his backswing. Finally David, his playing partner, asked:
- Why on Earth are you taking so long to make this shot?
- My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make this shot a good one - said Bob.
- Good Lord - said David.
- you haven't got a chance of hitting her from here.
Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy, points to it and says:
- Mummy, what is that long thing?
His mother replies:
- That, son, is the elephant's trunk.
- No, at the other end.
- That, son is the tail.
- No, mummy, the thing under the elephant.
A short embarrassed silence after which she replies:
- That's nothing.
The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer, asks his father the same question.
- Daddy, what is that long thing?
- That's the trunk, son - replies the father.
- No at the other end.
- Oh, that is the tail.
- No, no daddy, the thing below - asks the son in desperation.
- That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?
- Well mummy said it was nothing - says the boy.
- I tell you, I spoil that woman ... - replies the father.
A man calls his wife and says to her:
- Honey, I just got the chance of a lifetime to go on a week-long fishing trip with my boss. Could you pack up my things so that they will be ready when I get home?
- Sure, honey - his wife answers.
- Oh, and could you please pack my blue silk pyjamas?
- Sure, honey - his wife answers again.
The man comes home, picks up his things and takes off for the week. He returns a week later, smiling. His wife greets him at the front door:
- So honey, how was your fishing trip?
- It was great... - the husband answers.
- But you forgot to pack my blue silk pyjamas.
- No I didn't - said his wife.
- They were in your tackle box.
Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that says, "Cow For Sale...$5000." He pulls in and says to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth five thousand dollars." The farmer says, "Oh, yeah? Take a look at this." He lifts the cow's tail, and Harry sees the cow has a snatch just like a woman. Harry gets back in the car, turns to his wife, and says, "It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow with a snatch like a woman, and it's worth $5000, and here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you're not worth shit."
