A bloke wakes up in the middle of the night and rolls over and shoves an aspirin down his wife's throat. All of a sudden she wakes up and yells:
- What the fuck are you doing?
- Just giving you an aspirin for your headache - The bloke answered.
- But I ain't got a headache - she yelled back.
- Good then, Lets fuck! - said the bloke.
A bloke came home and found his missus in bed with three blokes.
- Hello, hello, hello! - he screamed at them.
- Aren't you talking to me? - his missus snapped.
Why is it so hard for women to find kind, sweet, sensitive men in this world?
→ Because they already have boyfriends!
A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says:
- Would you like to dance?
The girl says:
- I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you.
The guy says:
- I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants.
John and Mary visit their pastor for marriage counseling. The pastor gets up and hugs Mary, and sits down. He gets up and hugs Mary a second, and third time, and then turns to John and says:
- See that, John. Mary needs that EVERY DAY!
John replies:
- Well, that's fine, Pastor. But I can't bring her over here except on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
One of the bachelors in the apartment development sneaked up behind an older woman, covered her eyes with his hands, and said:
- I'm going to kiss you if you can't tell me who I am in three guesses.
She quickly answered:
- George Washington! Thomas Jefferson! Abraham Lincoln!
The angry wife met her husband at the door. His breath stunk of alcohol and his face was plastered with lipstick.
- I assume - she barked.
- there is a very good reason for you to come drifting in at six o'clock in the morning?
- There is! - he replied.
- Breakfast.
A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:
- Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is.
- Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her.
- You were perfectly right.
- You want to speak with her? All right.
He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:
- Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!
- Oh love, what did you ever do to deserve a wife like me? - she said looking lovingly into her husbands eyes.
- I don't know, but I promise I'll never do it again.
Two mates are having a chat over a beer.
- Do you like sheilas with bad body odour and bad breath? - one bloke asks his friend.
- No way! - his mate replies.
- Well - says the first bloke.
- do you like pussies you could hide a watermelon in?
- Fuck no! - his mate replies.
- Well - says the first bloke.
- what the hell are you doing fuckin' around with my wife?
