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A man was driving from New York to San Francisco. He got as far as Cleveland, when he realized he was getting terribly horny. So he looked up a house of ill repute and took care of the problem. Immediately, a severe guilt reaction set in, so he went to confession. For penance, he was told to say 10,000 Hail Mary's. So he went on driving and praying.

By the time he got through with the 10,000 Hail Mary's, he was approaching San Francisco. Suddenly he realized he was terribly horny.

So he looked up a house of ill repute, and had an orgy. Again there was a severe guilt reaction, so he went to confession. It was an old Irish priest who said:

- For penance say three Hail Mary's.

The man said:

- What?? In Cleveland, I had to say 10,000 Hail Mary's for the same thing.

Father replied quietly:

- Sure now, and what would they know about fucking in Cleveland?.

What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
→ No one to talk to during orgasm.

A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession:

- Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwim came to me and told me that I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then he said that he had the key to Heaven, and he put it in the gates.

- BASTARD! - cried the Mother Superior.

- For years he told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I have been blowing it.

Easter is approaching. Father O'Maley checks estimates for the flower decoration of the altar.

The catholic florist - $ 300. Too expensive - moans the priest.

The protestant florist - $ 250, “No, it would not be right to buy at another Christian believer, especially as the price difference is rather small.” But lo! Solly Goldberg - $ 75!!!

Religion or economics? After much consideration, Solly obtains the contract.

On Easter Sunday morning, Goldberg's men deliver the flowers: wonderful roses, azaleas, camellias, tulips and carnations. O'Maley's last reservations are discarded.

When the parishioners arrive in the church, they see the magnificent flower arrangement and a ribbon with the inscription:

- Jesus has risen! But the prices of Goldberg always stay the same.

The priest leaned closer to hear the girl's confession. She continued:

- So me and my cousin were alone in the house, and went up to my bedroom...

The priest said gently:

- Go on, my child.

- I lay down on the bed and Joe got on top of me and put his hand on my....on my...

- Go on.

- On my pussy - stammered the girl, blushing behind the screen.

- And touched me and touched me until I couldn't help myself.

- Yes, go on - the priest directed.

- I pulled down his pants and his cock popped out, stiff and tall - the girl went on, with a little whimper of shame - and he began to shove it in me so hard...

- Yes, yes... Go on - he urged, breathing hard.

- And then we heard the front door slam--

- Oh, SHIT!!!!

4 Nuns at a church wanted to watch TV. The first one said she wanted to watch the INDY 500. The second one wanted to watch the sexy Shawn Michelson WWF. The third nun said she wanted to watch the knitting channel so she can knit some mittens for the kitchen. The fourth nun said she wanted to watch the discovery channel on how a baby is born. After some dicussion, they all decided to flip channels every 2 seconds so they can watch the same things.

This is what is sounded like: And they're off! They're on top of each other! In...

Out...

In...

Out... and yes, the baby is born!

Why wasn't Jesus born in America?
→ They couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.

At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.

The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about “normal” tricks.

Well, they said:

- let's try this out.

Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command:

- Heel!

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly:

- Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?

- I think so - the man replied. My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests.

- I don't mean that - the priest responded. I mean, are you prepared spiritually?

- Oh, sure - came the reply. I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.

Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven.

- Hungry, Seymour? - the Lord asked.

- I could eat - said Seymour.

The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.

While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.

The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry, and Seymour again said:

- I could eat.

Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy, and chocolates.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. Meekly, Seymour said:

- Lord, I am very happy to be in heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't understand.

The Lord said:

- To be honest, Seymour, for just two people, does it pay to cook?